Chad Thundercock, a summoner with an eidolon that takes the form of an electrical chicken

You are Chad Thundercock, a summoner with an eidolon that takes the form of an electrical chicken. For some reason, women always approach you asking about your genitals, but leave after learning that you are just a very masculine woman named Chad. You're in the tavern one night, looking for new adventuring jobs when you see a pretty young girl sitting at a table near the back. She is dressed in rags and looks like she has been living there for days.
You introduce yourself to her by saying "My name Chad Thundercock and this is my electric chicken. Feel free to ask about my genitals."
The girl looks up from her drink and smiles at you, before walking away. As soon as she's out of sight, Chad starts growling his electric chicken friend.
Hei Hei, your electrical chicken eidolon, tells you that he is sorry for being a terrible wing man. After all, he is a magical talking chicken.
You start to follow the strange girl you just met, only to realize that you don't know her name. You take a moment to look at her more closely.

> You see she has a name tag on and it reads:.
"Oh right, her name is Jane."
You follow Jane to a house she claims is hers.
"Looks more like a crack den to me," says Chad. "Do you want to go inside?"You hesitate to enter and Hei Hei squawks a warning to you.
"I have a bad feeling about this," you say.
Jane falls to her knees and starts sobbing uncontrollably.
The doors opens, and George Jetson, Jane's husband, comes out. "What's going on here?" he asks. 
The doors opens, and George Jetson, Jane's husband, comes out.  "What's going on here?" he asks.
"You should know!" you say angrily. "You've been cheating on her with that whore, Judy!"
George looks shocked.
You and Hei Hei start to leave and George shouts after you that he is sorry for what he has done.

> You suck his dick for crack.
You walk inside the "crack den," as Chad calls it. Suddenly, a raspy voice says "Do you want some crack?"
You turn toward the voice and see a strange-looking goblin. "I don't know," you say. "Do I want some crack?"
The goblin nods eagerly and takes your hand.
You follow the crack goblin who takes you straight back to Judy's house.
You knock on the door and George answers. "Ah, there you are. You must be Chad."
The goblin nods again and holds out his hand to George.
"Twenty dollars for the crack,"

> You say "Hey! I sucked your dick already!"
You say "Hey! I sucked your dick already!"
The goblin thinks for a moment, then nods and hands you the key to room 7B.
You and Hei Hei head to room 7B where you see a disgusting bed with a mountain of crack rocks on it. Hei Hei eats a few of them, but you feel sick just looking at them.
Suddenly, a rat scurries across the room and into a hole in the wall under the bed.
Hei Hei begins to seizure and foam at the mouth, then lets out a terrified shriek.
You jump back and realize it wasn't a rat at all, but the goblin.
The rat goblin begins growing in size.  The crack rocks you ate begin growing into a mountain. The mountain begins flooding the room with magma.
You shrink down and enter the rat hole in the wall and see a bunch of rat goblins dancing. You begin to dance with them.
Suddenly, a rat goblin wearing a sombrero appears and begins lead the rest in a song. You join in as well.
These are the lyrics to the song:
¡José, traigo una noticia!
¡El tiempo mejorará!
¡Voy a limpiar mi casa hoy!
You wake up in dumpster.
It turns out the rat goblin shrunk you and placed you in the rat hole instead. Hei Hei is next to you, unharmed.
Hei Hei tells you that he thinks you should head home and you nod.
This was the most eventful night of your life, and you never want to relive it again.

> You breath a sigh of relaxation as you exhale a toke from your crackpipe.
You smack your lips as you taste the flavor of the crack as it enters the back of your throat.
You feel so relaxed that you think that you are going to fall asleep.
Wait...what is that?
You catch a glimpse of the flashing red and blue lights of a police car in your peripheral vision.
You turn your head very slowly out of curiosity and see two police officers stepping out of their vehicle.

> You quickly unplug the hand-cranked crock-pot for cooking the crack.
You must have forgotten to turn off the hand-cranked crock-pot you were using to cook the crack.
The dumpster goes up in flames with you inside it.
The end.
The moral of the story:  Don't do crack.