You are Haru Takashi, a comic book artist from Kyoto. One day you fall asleep at work and realize you've woken up in a comic you wrote when you were 15 called "The Last Days of the Earth". You can't remember anything about it except that it was a story about a boy who saves his town from an alien invasion. You look up in the sky and see your are in the midst of an alien invasion. The aliens seem to be coming out of every direction, but they don't attack yet. They just stand there watching you. Then one of them walks over to you and taps on your shoulder. > You say "Hey." You say "Hey." The alien responds in a friendly manner. He sits next to you and seems to be waiting for you to acknowledge his presence. The alien brings you to Earl Toiletbreaker, the man who can cannon shit and laser piss, and hates aliens. You lean in for a kiss with Earl. You try to kiss Earl. You lean in, but he doesn't lean in as much. You cheek touches his ear and you make an embarrassing squeak. The aliens all laugh at you. > You say "You start doing pushups to impress the aliens. " You say "You start doing pushups to impress the aliens." The aliens stand up and begin clapping. Now you are really embarrassed. > You slip on a banana peel. All the aliens laugh and clap hysterically. You slip on a banana peel. All the aliens laugh and clap hysterically as you try to get up but fall down again. "BANANA PEEL!" You yell. > You ask the aliens what they want. Earl stands in the corner, fuming. You ask the aliens what they want. Earl stands in the corner, fuming. "We came here to fuck," says one of them. "FUCK!!!!" yells another one. Earl grabs you and escapes from the alien ship with one well timed cannon shit. You land safely in a cornfield. You two embrace. "We escaped the alien ship," you say. "Damn right we did," Earl says. You look up and see a portal opening. A Old Woman with Blue Hair comes out. > You realize it is the lunch lady from your high school. You realize it is the lunch lady from your high school. She begins to attack you with cafeteria food. You dodge the stale tater tots and run under a bus. thankfully, its taco tuesday, and you barrage the lunch lady with a hale of nasty taco meat. "BURN BITCH!" she says. You burn the old wive with your laser powers. She falls to the ground, on fire and burning to a crisp. Earl looks at your shocked and says, "You have special powers, just like me!" You hop on Earl's shoulders as he cannon shits back to his home. You ride on his cannonball all the way back to his house. Earl shows you his office and all the evidence and reasons why the aliens have come to FUCK. The next morning, you and Earl are on the front page of The Kyoto Times: "Aliens have come to fuck!" At the bottom of the front page you see Earl has written an article proposing to you. You look down and see Earl pull out an engagement ring. "Will you marry me?" A green box appears in the lower left hand corner of the screen. YES / NO If you choose no, Earl puts away the ring and cries on the floor. You check YES. Earl wipes away his tears and smiles. He puts the ring on your finger. You kiss and make sweet love all night long. You wake up and look out the window. You see thousands of aliens fucking in the streets. "Damn," you say, "It's finally happened. The 'End Of The World' has come." Suddenly, the doorbell rings. "That must be the pizza I ordered," says Earl. Earl grabs a shotgun from under his bed and hands you a knife. "Here, you'll be fine," he says. You open the door and see the pizza delivery boy is actually an alien. He pushes pass you and walks towards Earl, who blasts him in the chest with the shotgun. The alien's insides blow out, but then he regenerates. "What the fuck?" > You earl laser pisses all over the aliens. You pick up Earl's laser gun. You blast some aliens with it, but it runs out of battery power. You and Earl run to the kitchen. A portal opens in the middle of the floor. You see the blue haired lunch lady is back and throwing meat loaf at you. You manage to replace Earl's laser piss batteries and aim Earl's laser gun at the lunch lady. "No one can harm me!" she says. The gun is unable to penetrate her chest. She grabs you with one hand and Earl with the other. "Time to fuck!" > You say "you toss a piece of meat loaf at Earl and it powers a massive meatload CANNON SHIT!" The meatloaf hits Earl in the face and he begins to shit. It comes out of his ass, and a massive shit covered laser blast destroys all the aliens. The lunch lady screams as she melts. > You say "you celebrate with a backflip" You celebrate with a backflip. You are so happy, you hug the pizza delivery boy. "Well now," he says, "that's not exactly appropriate behavior." He walks to the door and leaves. The moral of the story: You're a fucking idiot. Also, you are now married to Earl, who was the pizza delivery boy. THE END You legitimately do not give a fuck what others think about you.
Haru Takashi, a comic book artist from Kyoto
Posted under Episode 264, Story On By Chief