Tony, a guy who has lost the Christmas spirit and starts a new holiday called Bitchmas

Posted under Episode 263, Story On By Chief

You are Tony, a guy who has lost the Christmas spirit because of the Covid-19 pandemic. You want to start a new holiday called Bitchmas where you celebrate the birth Of Bitchus Christ.

The next day, you wake up and find that the world is not as it should be. The sky is blue instead of red like it should be. Trees have been replaced by giant mutant cockroaches.

> You turn on the news to find out what is happening.
You turn on the TV and see that the world is indeed turning into a shit hole. There are riots in several major cities, there is a plague sweeping through the country, and your sister has died from it.
You run outside in the acid rain and scream, "Curse you Bitchus Christ! I hate you!!!" Suddenly, Bitchus Christ appears before you.
"What's wrong, m'boy?" he asks.
You begin to sob uncontrollably as he hugs you. After a few minutes, you compose yourself and tell him that you need to get revenge on him.
Bitchus Christ tells you this is all part of the Omega plan.
"Why must you insist on ruining my plans, you silly goose?" he asks.
You ask Bitchus about the Omega plan, and he tells you the following 10 steps:
1. Build a rock.
2. Give said rock life.
3. Watch as said rock gets bored and depressed because of point number one.
4. Watch as said rock commits suicide.
5. Have a funeral for said rock.
6. Realize that you're at the funeral for a fucking rock.
7. Get REALLY angry and yell at the grave.
8. Get bored of yelling at grave and leave.
9. Get arrested for being naked in graveyard and accused of terroristic threats to the dead (the rock).
10. Realize it's December 18th, the day before Christmas.
Bitchus tells you that no matter what you do, there is nothing you can do to stop the next day from coming.
You are released from jail early and when you arrive at home you see a mysterious package sitting under the Bitchmas tree. You open the package and see it is a golden sword emblazoned with a red B on its cross guard. It is the almighty bitch bringer, a blade capable of slaying any bitch, even Bitchus Christ himself. You look at the tag and see it is from Jim Christ.
You decide to give up on your quest to ruin everything.
You find Bitchus Christ in a park and threaten revenge with your new sword. He looks at you with the most angelic face and says, "Do it, child. Do it for the best."
You swing but as your blade nears his body, it begins to bend...
You continue to swing away and scream, ""Bitchus gets swishes... of my blade."
Bitchus looks at you with a glint of anger in his eyes and says he will fix this. He mumbles something and suddenly you are back home...
...but it isn't the same.
You realize you have been transformed into a pet rock. You are placed in a nice house filled with many other rocks.
You are given the name Mica.
A few days later, you notice all of your brothers and sister start to move...
You form a giant rock golem and pick up the sword. You rock and roll back to the park and continue your battle with Bitchus Christ.
You stab him in the foot with your sword and yell, "Take that, BITCH!" He falls to the ground and begins to bleed out while crying.
"Why, God?! WHY?!"
You see a glowing light as Jim Christ descends from the sky. He tells you to put down the sword and also tells you some wisdom. He says that you need to let go of your anger and bitterness. The two of you talk a bit and then Jim takes Bitchus away. He leaves you in the park with a new outlook on life.
You get bored and depressed that you didn't get closure on your revenge, but you think about what Jim Christ told you:
"Bitchus Christ, where does he live?"
"You just let him go and give up on your quest for revenge."
You decide to take Jim's advice and let it go.
You commit sudoku and stab the sword into your stone body. You hear a loud voices and see Bitchus Christ.
"I see you have learned how to let things go. That's good."
He snaps his fingers and your body is transformed back to normal.

> You look down and see the sword through your body. You are bleeding all over the park.
You stand there and wonder what to do with yourself. You realize that if you die here all of this will be meaningless.
The happy ending isn't over yet...
You close your eyes and peacefully bleed out.
Bitchus Christ attends your funeral and tells everyone, "It's all part of the Omega plan!"
After you pass, you are redeemed into heaven. It's nice up here, not too hot and not too cold. You get to watch over your family and continue to enjoy your life in the sky.
The moral of story: Religion is okay in small doses, but too much of anything is bad for you.