Nicolas Cage is showing his age

Posted under Episode 262, Story On By Chief

You are Nicolas Cage and you're showing your age. You can't get on the stage. You feel like you're locked in a cage and it's making you rage. And how will you make a wage? Maybe become a mage? Better go see a sage from the Yellow Page.

You walk down the street, but you don't find any jobs. The streets are empty of people and you hear gunshots in the distance. You wonder if that means there is an attack coming soon.

> You make your way to your destination today.
Your mind is filled with thoughts about what you should do next. Should you stay here or head out? Your heart beats faster as you decide which one you want to choose.
You rush to the Mage's house where he brings out a glass case. You smash the case and press a mystery button. You grab the sword inside and look at it in awe. With lightning speed, you slash open the mage's throat and retrieve your weapon.
"You've chosen...death." The mage says before collapsing on the floor.

> You cut off the mage's nuts and he lies on the floor. You laugh and tell a funny joke:.
"Why did the wizened cross the road?"
"The mage is unresponsive."
You stare in awe as the mage dies.

> You head toward Dr. Richard Satan's laboratory, holding the mage's nuts.
You drive to the lab and realize that you have forgotten your I.D. badge. The security guard is a giant red demon with thick horns coming out of his head.
You try to walk in anyway and the demon stop you. You hold up the mage nuts and say, "You know me Kreplar!"
He stares at the nuts and then you uncomfortably look away. "You're really creeping me out man."
The mage nuts work, because he lets you walk in.
You sit in the waiting room and sit next to Raven, a heroic demon who thinks you're hot stuff because you played Ghost Rider.
"Let's have sex," she says, "I'll bend you over and-"
"Shut up bitch, I'm not gonna have sex with you."
Suddenly Dr. Satan walks out of his office.
You tell Dr Satan, "I will now eat these mage nuts and gain unlimited power."
Dr Satan throws up his hand and mumbles some words. Your head suddenly becomes extremely big and explodes, killing you.You say your last words, "I also almost played Superman."
You have been killed by the hands of Dr. Satan.
The mage nuts begin to glow and your body magically reform into a new and more powerful you.
You hear the nuts talk to you. You ask the nuts, "why have I been brought back?"
The nuts explain that the king needs a new warrior. He needs someone stronger, faster, and with much better agility.

> You brush the hair off the balls before you eat them. you feel your soul fuse with the mages and are given a vision of your next goal: steal the declaration of independence.
The nuts tell you that the declaration of independence is a magical document, and only a true patriot can steal it.
You agree to do this for your king.
You call up Tom Brady and ask him to join your team to steal the Declaration of Independence. He grudgingly agrees, and the three of you form a team.
You, Tom, and Mage Nuts head for the National Archive and devise a plan to break in.
You have a stroke of genius: you will steal George Washington's sword. It is one of the few things that is kept in a glass case, and it will be easy to break the glass.

> You smash the mage nuts against the glass.
You smash the nuts against the glass, and a few splinters get into your hand. You ignore the pain and grab the sword.
The sword glows as you grab it and you hear a voice call out to you and say, "You have chosen...patriotism."
You and your team run to the exit, but the guards catch you and seize you.
"We have caught a patriot!
Tom Brady holds them off and says "RUN". several guards rush Tom and crush him, but his sacrifice gives you a little time.
You run to the exit, but the guards shoot you with a musket and you fall to the floor.
"WE GOT A PATRIOT!" they scream as they beat you to death.
Mages Nuts teleports you and Tom Brandy safely to Gillette Stadium. Tom accuses you of getting him killed, and the two of you get into a fistfight.
You punch Tom in the eye, but he headbutts you and knocks you out.
The moral of the story: don't eat your magic nuts.