Fred Shivaji, a vegan Private Detective who has been hired to investigate a UFO crash

Posted under Episode 261, Story On By Chief

You are Fred Shivaji, a vegan Private Detective who has been Hired at Roswell to investigate a suspected UFO crash. You have no idea what the hell is going on, but you're sure as shit not gonna like it!
You head to the crash site and are shocked to see that it's actually a crashed spaceship with alien technology inside. The aliens are friendly though and tell you they want to trade with you in exchange for your help in getting them off their asses from Earth.

> You ask them if they have any vegan technology.
You trade with the aliens, but your limited knowledge of their language causes you to make a few poor trades.
You trade for the following items: 
You trade for the following items: 
You trade for the following items: 
You trade for the following items: 
After the trading, you are shown how to operate a space craft and set off back to Earth.
You crash the ship that you just repaired and the military finds you and thinks you are an alien. You are later shot by one of the men when you try to explain yourself. He apologizes as he does so.

> You are taken to a secret government lab, where you are examined and shown a limited edition of the AIPD naked calendar.
Your body is used for medical testing to help the development of vaccines and medicines to save humans.
You sneak away while they analyze your blood and see a whole warehouse and lab animals. You are shocked and start opening all the cages to set the animals free.
You find a lab coat and put it on to disguise yourself. You walk out the front door and nobody even questions you. After a few hours the lab is destroyed and turned into a slaughter house.
You get a text from the person who hired you, it reads:
"Mission success. Pictures of carnage sent via text. Good job! Want a job in the real AIPD?"
Jim hires you on the spot and gives you your first mission: To track down a drug ring and bring down the suppliers. He gives you a badge and some handcuffs and suggests you get started right away.
You accept the mission and begin tracking down leads.

> You discover the drug ring operates out of an Outback Steakhouse in Tampa, Florida.
You immediately pack your things and make your way to the Outback Steakhouse. After a quick stake out, you notice something fishy going on with the Garbage Man.
You see the garbage bags are filled with cocaine and bbq spare ribs. You arrest them and call Jim.
Jim demands you bring him the spare ribs and cocaine so his superiors can have a taste.
You bring the spare ribs and cocaine to him, and he is ecstatic.

> You start vomiting as Jim eats the spare ribs. You snort cocaine to dull your pain.
Jim and several other agents are talking to you, but all you can concentrate on is the pain.
The pain of not having your diet coke.
You lose your temper on Jim and demand that he and the rest of the department go vegan effective immediately or you walk.
You immediately walk out of the office and head back to your place. You head straight to the fridge to get a snack. To your surprise, you see your favorite brand of vegan mayo.

> You eat vegan mayo out of the jar as you wait for Jim's answer.
Jim gets on the phone and tells you he has accepted your terms. He says you can stay on as a consultant, but only if you provide your own breakfast sandwiches from now on.
The moral of the story: Vegans should stick together.