Dickslap the goblin

Posted under Episode 260, Story On By Chief

You are Dickslap the goblin. You are a special assassin under the employ of the dark kingdom of Googlspletch, known for your specialized killing method. One day, you are called forth by the king, who tells you that he needs your help in eliminating an enemy. The target is a powerful wizard and his apprentice, both of whom have been attacking the kingdom from behind the scenes.

> You ask for the names of the wizard and his apprentice.
"I need the names of these two." King Koopa says. "What do I say?"
"The name of the wizard and his apprentice," you reply. "They could be the most important people in all of the world."
"OK," King Koopa says. "What about their weaknesses? What do I say?"
"Their weaknesses," you reply. "That information could also be important."
"I see," King Koopa says. "Anything else?"

> You dickslap King Koopa to help jog his memory. "by my hog be blessed" you say.
You slap King Koopa. The slap opens his eye, which begins bleeding profusely.
You slap again to try to close the wound. The slap closes the wound, but breaks his neck, killing him instantly. In your panic, you drop King Koopa like a sack of potatoes and run for the door.

> You say "Help," you scream. "The wizard and his apprentice have killed the king!"
You scream. "The wizard and his apprentice have killed the king!"
A guard runs up to you. You look at each other with panic. The guard attacks you with his sword, hacking your head off.
Your dickhead lies on the floor. You are shocked. You didn't see that coming.

> You with a short dick chant you fuse your dickhead back on and hit the guard with a roundhouse dickslap.
With a short dick chant, you fuse your dickhead back on and hit the guard with a roundhouse dickslap. You catch him in mid-air and hurl him into the wall.
The Kingslayer opens a hidden passage, and waves you over. You follow him to safety.
"You're safe now. We need to regroup."
He shows you his secret chamber in the underground passage way. He shows you his top ten cool artifacts he has gathered.
"I need a moment alone," you say, sitting on the bed with your head in hands.
"Of course," The Kingslayer replies. "Take all the time you need."
You sit down and look around the room to see 10 magical items: the cloak, the artifact, the crown, the necklace, the belt, the ring, the wand, the gauntlet, and the stone tablet.
You see something that catches your eye: an ancient Viagra pill.
You pop the pill into your mouth and swallow.
"What are you doing?" The Kingslayer asks, stunned.
"I've always wanted to do this."

> You level up and gain the following 10 Dickslap powers:.
You gain the JewJitsu power to make your dick slap three times as more powerful.
You gain the JorRykk power to make your dick 20% harder.
You thank the Kingslayer and ask him to join you on your quest to hunt the wizard and his apprentice. He agrees, but says you should head to the tower first, as he wishes to gather more forces. You agree.
You and Kingslayer travel through the forest with stealth, using the cloak to hide.

> You arrive at the ball base of the great tower. you sneak in with Kingslayer and find the wizard and his apprentice.
You open the door cautiously. You spot the wizard lying on a bed with his apprentice rubbing him down. He's shirtless and oiled up. His muscles glisten in the candlelight.
The wizard sees you and Kingslayer and says, "Oh good, the couple we ordered have arrived."
The Kingslayer looks flustered.
You spit out your tea in hysterics. The wet concoction lands on the wizard apprentice's head. She gets up angrily and wipes it off with her hand.

> You saunter up to the glistening wizard, dick enormous from the ancient viagra, and lean in for a kiss.
You lean in and kiss the wizard passionately. He makes a soft moan, and says, "That was nice."
The wizard turns to his apprentice and begins speaking in some sort of language you don't understand.
You look down and see your already huge dick buster sword grow larger. It begins to grow from the sheath. It ends up fully erect, at least as large as the Kingslayer's rifle barrel.
You step backwards and a drop of precum hangs off the tip.
The moral of the story: DON'T FUCK WITH THE WIZARD.
You attempt to fire a roundhouse kick, but he blocks it. He looks at you expectedly. You look down and see your weapon has shrunk enormously.
All the strength is sapped, you cry out to the Kingslayer to finish off the wizard.
He looks at you and realizes his weapon has been shrunk. He attempts to draw his sidearm, but the apprentice has swollen to twice her size.

> You climax and shoot gobs of clum everywhere. The end.
You and the Kingslayer enter a two-handed battle with the wizard and his apprentice!
You block the wizard's fireball with your mechanical hand!
Unfortunately, your arm catches fire and explodes.

> You squeeze your balls and charge a great blast of clum and fire at the wizard.
You squeeze your testicles and unleash a powerful beam of cum and flames at the wizard. It engulfs him in flames, and he screams in agony as his body begins to burn.