You are Garfield, the world's laziest cat. You're so lazy that you slept for an entire month. After finally waking up, you realize that you've gained over fifty pounds. You wonder how this is possible, until Jon explains to you that you were eating in your sleep. At first, you're impressed with yourself, until you realize there's a problem: You can't get up! Jon then tells you that he needs to take care of some business and leaves. He says he'll be back tomorrow morning at 8:00 am. What will happen when he returns? > You say "I hate Mondays." "I hate Mondays!" you exclaim. At this point, Jon looks down at his feet and shakes his head. He sighs and says, "Well I guess it'll have to do..." > You log on to OnlyCats, a cat porn site. As you look at the available options, you remember there's a reason why you log on to OnlyCats. You quickly choose the "Stories" > You say "You see that someone else is logged in to your OnlyCats, it must be Otie because you recognize that butthole anywhere." "You see that someone else is logged in to your OnlyCats, it must be Otis because you recognize that butthole anywhere." Suddenly you are struck upside the head by a delicious cream cake.You look back and see Nermal has thrown the cake at you. You ask Nermal why she did that and she responds "It's for being an asshole!" You look down at your waist and realize that you shit in your pants while you were asleep. You pull out Jon's emergency uzi and unload on Nermal. "Bitches love uzis," you think. You look at the screen and wonder why there is so much blood. > You upload footage of the shooting to OnlyCats. It goes viral. The video goes on to become the most popular thing on OnlyCats. But suddenly, Otie notices that you are not logged in, and he immediately reports your profile as fishy. Otie gets you banned from OnlyCats. "Yeah! Fuck you, Garfield!" he says, in a video celebrating his victory. > You decide to ruin the entire house and get Otie blamed and punished by Jon. You take a shit in the kitchen sink. You cover Nermal's bed in your own piss. Over the course of two days, you shove cat turds all over the house. The long-lost Lyman, Jon Arbuckle's former roommate & Odie's former owner, returns and sees the destruction you have caused. You point at Odie, but Lyman knows it was you. You're taken to an animal shelter where you are given to a family who actually wants you. The end. You break out of the shelter and return home. When Jon finds you, he sets down a lasagna. You return to destroying the house. Jon sets down a bowl of tuna. You return to destroying the house. After a week, Jon finally reports you missing. > You point at a scar on your paw, then point at Jon. The police arrest him. The police catch up with Jon and arrest him. You go to a new owner, who is actually competent. After two months of living with her, you recover from your depression. The moral of the story: You should have been a cat.
Garfield, the world’s laziest cat
Posted under Episode 259, Story On By Chief