Princess Tovarka, a cyborg space alien princess of a far off galaxy

Posted under Episode 258, Story On By Chief

You are Princess Tovarka, a cyborg space alien princess of a far off galaxy. You are on route to stop an invasion from the evil Empire Kinglkrek. Your ship arrives at the battlefield to find that it is under attack by the Emperor's forces. The Emperor has sent his elite troops to destroy you and your ship.

> You rush to the escape pod and eject yourself onto the nearest planet.
Princess Tovarka leaps into the air with her jetpack, which she uses to fly through the air towards the escape pod.
You manage to escape the ship with German D2, your cyborg buddy. Tony, the Emperor who has declared war on all the Princesses that Tonyzoned him, sends Abadon the Despoiler, Warmaster of Chaos, after you.  You both run for your lives to escape the planet. You both enter a cave, somewhere in some forest.
You are lost.
You hear a voice in the cave call out to you. You turn around to see a small cute alien creature that looks like a baby and reveals himself to be THICKNESS. He shoots a bolt of plasma, turning German D2 into a pile of metal. THICKNESS grabs you with his pet snake-lizard-thing, which bites you with its poisonous fangs.

> You grab your E-wok, a wok/e-cig combo, and suck in healing vapor to counteract the poison.
You suck on the e-wok, which heals the poison. THICKNESS shoots a bolt of plasma at you, which you block with your lightsaber.

> You use your fource powers to convince THICKNESS to let you stay in the cave.
You collapse, as the energy it took to use your force powers on this creature almost kills you. THICKNESS decides not to kill you, and you befriend him.
You level up and gain the following fource powers:
Taunt: To mock your enemies into fighting you.
Lightsaber Throw: To throw your lightsaber at enemies.
Ludicrous Speed: To outrun everything.
You lean in for a kiss with THICKNESS.
"I don't think so, Princess," THICKNESS says. "I'm looking for a mate who has a dick."
You are stunned.

> You show him your giant strap on light dildo and say "I'm a hermaphrodite"
You start sucking each other's faces. You and THICKNESS have wild interspecies space s_x.

> You nine months later you give birth to a beautiful baby with the following 10 traits from you and THICKNESS:.
1. You are happy to find you're pregnant with THICKNESS's child, giving birth shouldn't be a problem.
2. The baby is going to be a child that will use their magical powers to the fullest.
3. The baby will have average health.
4. The baby will be an athletic child.
5. The baby will be a child that will have only average looks.
6. The baby will be a child that will excel at singing.
7. The baby will be a child that will be unoriginal in thought.
8. The baby will be a child that only profits from criminal acts.
9. The baby will be a child that will be prone to drug use.
10. The baby will be a child that will be racist towards other planets.
Empower Tony has found your location and intends to steal your newborn child to take him back to the Emperor. You and THICKNESS fight back, but THICKNESS is careful not to kill you.
Empower Tony captures the baby. You and Thickness chase him across the galaxy to the planet of Zada, where he has been hiding out.
You and THICKNESS assault his fortress, killing dozens of his underlings and two of his harem girls before arriving in his throne room.
You and THICKNESS reach the throne room where Empower Tony has been waiting for you. You start an epic battle.
You give a mighty swing with your lightsaber, but Empower Tony blocks it with his lightsaber-qatana. Empower Tony swings, cutting off your right arm.

> You empower Tony reveals his massive dong to you and says "Tovarka, I am your Mother"
Empower Tony reveals his massive dong to you and says "Tovarka, I am your Mother"
Your lightsaber goes flying out of your hand. You hit the ground hard.
You hear your baby sing and Empower Tony's head explodes from the racist sound. Your baby giggles.
You black out and awaken in a hospital room, holding your baby. You and the baby are fine.
Empower Tony's reign of terror has ended.
The moral of the story: Don't steal from the plot.