Detective Jake Ventura, a detective with anger management issues

Posted under Episode 257, Story On By Chief

You are Detective Jake Ventura, a detective who has been called in to your Captains office about your anger issues during work. He tells you that destroying officer Daniels birthday cake last week was your final warning. He tells you if you get angry again you will be suspended for 6 months. You tell him you won't and he says good then lets go on with this meeting.

As you walk into his office you see several people there including Capt. Zoll, Lt. Gannon, Sgt. Koons and several other officers. They all look at each other as they notice you.

"What is it that we have here?" Capt. Zoll asks.
You whip off your sunglasses and get in Capt. Zolls face and say "Watch yourself Zoll. Don't piss me off."
He chuckles a bit and says "Easy there Jake my man. What's all this about?"
You begin to explain that you have been suspended for 6 months without pay and you know it was because of Capt.
Cory, a police officer who will replace you if you get suspended again, tries to rile you up. You say, "I am warning you with peace and love."
He then tries to get you mad by saying he and your lieutenant had sex with your girlfriend last night.

> You know "i know, I was watching from the closet."
You remain cool while he fumes with anger.
You and him exchange with look of death as you begin to realize what's going on.
Jim Christ, prophet of the Church of the Latter day Jim's who wields a dildo cross, is just waiting for you to lose it so he can beat your ass.
Your partner is the opposite of you in everyway. Where you are very tall, he is very short. Where you have a hairy back, he is very bare. Where you are cool, he is very hot.
Sgt. Koons slaps you on the ass very hard and inappropriate. You feel all of it. He says "Good job with the cake. I bet you get suspended within the week." He laughs as he walks away. You are too confused to laugh, but not angry.
"Why the fuck are you so calm about this Jake?" Capt. Zoll says.
You tell him that you are one with everything and have found enlightenment after smashing Daniel's birthday cake. Namaste.
He smiles and asks if you will kill a man for him. He explains that he always wanted to, but never had the balls to go through with it.

> You say "What's in it for me?"
"What's in it for you?" Capt. Zoll asks. "The knowledge of taking a life, a man who hurt others. Not to mention you get to go on a first class vacation."

> You say "you had me at vacation."
You agree to the hit. You're on vacation after all and who doesn't want to kill a child molester?
"Great!" Capt. Zoll says.
You start patrolling the streats and see crimes everywhere, but no child molesters. But you know where to find one, you head to the ice cream shop and see Creepy Mr Jenkins. You walk in and he's there as usual, eating a banana split. You sit down and order a coffee.
"Hello Detective." He smiles.
You put your Tac-50 rifle on the ice cream counter and say "Hello Mr Jenkins. Today is the last day of your life and the first day of my vacation."
You pull out your pistol and shoot him the head. Everyone in the store looks at you, but no one says a word. They know who you are and what you do.
Everyone in the store begins a slow clap. Some old lady even whistles. Mr. Jenkins lies dead, a look of shock on his face.
"Why did you kill him?" You hear a voice say.
You turn around and see a young child and you tell him, "To keep kids like you safe... and also I really want to go to Cabo!"
The child leaves with his mom. Your job is done and you're ready for your vacation...
"Bitch, I'm busy."
The moral of the story: Your loved ones are whores.