Mr Cool-Aide Mané, you are a guy who is bullied for having the same name as The Kool-aid man

You are Mr Cool-Aide Mané, you are a guy who is bullied for having the same name as The Kool-aid man. You want to change your name, but the US Name changing Department has closed due to Covid-19 Restrictions. 

The only way out of this predicament is to find someone with the same last name as you and then convince them that they should give up their own last name in exchange for yours.

> You decide the fastest way is to have a child and take their identity.
This seems like the best option, so you start looking for a woman with the same last name as you. You go through all her friends and see if any of them have children.
You meet Lindsay Lohan from "Freaky Friday" and she is willing to have your child.
You are ecstatic, but there is one problem. You are too weak to have sex with her since you've spent all your energy on the journey to meet her.

> You have two Viagra pills and chase it with a large Redbull. Then you sex Lindsay Lohan.
You have some fun with her, but then she feels bad for putting you in such a state. She gives you two pills to boost your stamina and chase it with a large redbull.
Luckily you have a bad case of diarrhea and poop out all the Viagra and red bull that surely would have killed you. You level up and gain following powers:
You gain the ability to walk again!
A monster attacks you and you fight back by throwing a bunch of dead babies at it.

> You turn to Lindsay and ask "What kind of pills were those??"
"I dunno, some woman gave them to me in the club. Said they would make me feel better about myself or something." Lindsay says as she looks at you concerned.
"Was the woman's name Merily?" you ask.
"Yeah... How'd you know? Did you kill her or something?" Lindsay asks concerned.

> You remember Merily has the same last name of yours. You decide to find her to find the antidote for the pills and switch last names.
"Wow, I guess I really fucked up." Lindsay says.
You find Merrily Merrily Mane at the club stoned out of her mind, you walk up to her and try to get her attention.
"Hey can I get two more pills please?" you ask.
"Sure thing Mr. Merrily, that'll be five thousand dollars." Merrily says.

> You say "Will you switch last names with us? Please?"
"Oh sure whatever you want Hun, I'll do it for free." Merrily says.
You and Lindsay thank Merrily and go back to her apartment.
You are now officially Mr Cool-Aide Mane Mane, your mission is a success. Merrily hands you and invite to Reindrob's cult. You take it and read it while Lindsay showers. It says that you have been invited to an orgy for people of great stature such as yourself.
You get ready and head out the door.

> You swallow two more Viagra pills and drink a RedBull and head off into the sunset towards the Reindrob Mansion.
You read the invite again and realize it said you were going to an orgy with some other people of great stature.
You think to yourself "Great, I'm finally famous for something."
You walk three steps and trip on your dick. You hear a loud crash at Reindrob's mansion and look up to see the Kool-Aid man has crashed through the wall and stolen your identity to get into the party. You hear him yell, "Oh yeah!" before he goes through the wall on the other side of the room.
You text Lindsay that you're going to be a little late, she replies "K."
The moral of the story: RedBull and Viagra is a bad idea.