Geilndr the Pickled, a horse thief

Posted under Episode 253, Story On By Chief

You are Geilndr the Pickled, a horse thief and during your last attempt to steal a golden mare at the border of Skyrim you were caught, knocked out, and taken prisoner by Imperial soldiers. When you regain consciousness and slowly open your eyes you hear someone say, ""Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that idiot over there..."".
You stare at him when he begins talking again, ""Oh, by the way, I'm Ralof, this majestically bearded man over there is Ulfric Stormcloak and the dumb idiot is Bulk Bogan."".
Right after he ends his sentence a loud growl comes from the sky and seconds later a huge dragon sweeps down, eats the Imperial soldiers, and just as he starts to fly away you hear a massive dragon fart, followed by a shower of liquid dragon shit hitting everyone in the vicinity. You feel something awaken inside of you and you gain the following ten dragon powers:
1. The ability to unleash forceful farts that you can use to fart people off cliffs
2. The ability to turn invisible for short periods of time
3. The ability to breath fire that causes burning pain on those who come in contact with it
4. The ability to breathe ice that freezes anything it touches
5. The ability to breathe lightning that does damage based on how close they are to you
6. The ability to create an area of pure darkness that anyone entering will be unable to leave until the light fades
7. The ability to cause a burst of flame that burns everything within its radius
8. The ability to control people's minds
9. The ability to create a barrier that blocks attacks from the front, but not the back
10. The ability to turn yourself into a dragon, which gives you the following abilities:
A. Wings that allow you to fly wherever you want
You say, "Stop right there criminal scum!"
Your ten magic powers feel like they are rushing through your body. You feel like a lean, mean killing machine, and it feels so good.

> You feel the rush of knowledge of past Poop-a-kihn that show you the 10 ways that Marvel is better than DC.
Unexpectedly, you feel your knowledge of the ten ways that marvel is better than D.C. enter your head.
This gives you the ability to talk to past Kihnspiracies members and get advice from them.
You gain the power of knowledge of the 10 ways that marvel is better than D.C.
You are greeted by Tony, a guy who is tired of human women friend zoning him, so he has moved on to horses. He holds the power of knowledge of horse facts.
Also, spooky ghosts.
Suddenly, you feel a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of ghosties have cried out and then shut up.
You lean in for a kiss with Bulk Bogan, Tony, and Ralof.
Congratulations, the mission was a success.
You look up to the sky and see the dragon land and approach you. You say, "I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you."
The dragon lets out a belch, and it smells like rotten eggs and farts. You feel your face melt off.
Suddenly, the pain is so great that you shit your pants.

> You use the force of shitting your pants to release a massive fart that propels through the dragons heart. a ghost appears, its Anakin Skywalker,ghost who is strong in the force who says "Thank you for freeing me"
Anakin is now a ghost after death.
He gives you the death touch and you die.
You appear above your body and see Anakin's ghost. You say, "Have you heard of the High Elves?"
"They're in the game?" Anakin asks.
"No, not the ones in the game, the real High Elves."
"Sure."
Anakin hands you a DVD copy of your favorite film, Horses' Act 2: Back in the Saddle starring Whoopi Goldberg in a horse costume.
You say, "I've always loved this movie, thank you."
Anakin smiles and floats away. You feel the need to take a shit.
You take a ghost shit and instead of poop, you see it's a copy of the movie "The Room" considered a cult classic and the greatest movie ever made. You see Anakin is crushed by the dragon and says "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground."
You see the future and human history is altered.
You see a version of the future where the earth is nothing but a wasteland, with Cole Phelps etching "The Face of Lying" onto a rock.

> You watch the copy's of The Room and Horse Act 2 and say your eating prayer "may the knives and forks be with you" as you dig into a pile of sweet rolls and gain a ton of weight.
You watch the movies at a theater with 2,000 other people.
The screen is so big that it looks like it's right in front of you.
You level up and gain the following horse whisperer powers:
A) You can make horses appear out of thin air.
B) You gain the ability to speak with horses
C) You gain the ability to influence horses' decisions using your hands.
You level up and gain the following Tommy Wiseau related skills:
A) You can make copies of the movie The Room appear out of thin air.
B) You gain the ability to speak perfect French, Wiseau's first language.
The moral of the story: People are stupid, and always will be.

> You cum Boy word of the day:.
Horses are large, beautiful, and magical creatures.
A few horses have been seen flying across the sky on more than one occasion.