Damien Hurst, a struggling artist in need of a big break

Posted under Episode 253, Story On By Chief

You are Damien Hurst, a struggling artist in need of a big break or a job. One day you buy a some red paint from your local art shop but once you start painting, it begins to glow and three strange things happen...

The first thing is that the people stare at you with awe, wonder and fear. The second thing is that they begin to scream out in pain! You quickly learn that this is because you have painted their skin red and given them boils on their bodies.

Your third and final step was to paint their faces completely black so only their eyes could be seen.
Steve Jobless, Steve Jobs when he is unemployed, runs up to you and says, "I am the biggest hotdog in the room."
"But I am a cat in a room of dogs," you reply back, confused.
"I am the biggest hotdog in a room of cats," Steve replies, now angry.A guy who took a dump in your cans of red paint and give you The Diary of a man named Jason who wrote about feeling sick a lot. you read Steve one of the passages:

"I feel like I'm going to explode like a booby trapped helicopter stuffed with...

...bombs," you finish.
"Yeah, that sucks," Steve replies, not hearing you.
Santa Claus... literally just Santa Claus, approaches you and Steven. "I have come to reward you both. You, for making people happy, and you, for buying 'em." He hands you a slip of paper.
Before you can open the boxes, the Kool Aid Man bursts through the wall in the alley and says, "Oh yeah!" You open the box to find nothing but a slip of paper. You read it, and find that it's back from when your mother was still alive.
You tear up as you realize how much you missed her.
the note says the title of your favorite bed time story "I am a ferret with an itchy scrotum". the kool-aid man gifts you a claymore mine.
"Now pierce through the sky, and into the last guard!"
You look up and see Oscar holding another man at knifepoint.
Oscar says, "I am the Easter Raccoon, standing in for the Easter Bunny who got mauled by a room full of dogs."
"I am a black man in an alley," the man replies, "who is about to die."
You climb up the drain pipe and into the building.
you emerge from the drain pipe and scare an old women who has a heart attack. you say "it was in the name of god". you collect a small Jason action figure that constantly insults you. it says "what's up fattits?" and "I hope you die."
"That's kind of rough," says a teenager with a fanny pack. He gives you a strange look, shakes his head, and walks away.
You lean in for a kiss with the old woman, and say, "We're tear the dimensions apart at the seems". She hands you a Jim action figure that has lion scratches around the heart. "Be loved," it says in a robotic tone.
as you look up you see your Your dead mother, dressed as the mad hatter. She hands you a piece of paper explaining how you have sex with grannies. you level up and gain the following grandma seducing powers:
Perma stench
old people names
"It's a weird game, I guess?" you reply. You lose 5 SANITY points for saying something so stupid. You're now SANITY level 1!
You take some sanity pills and then you hear a list of insults that the Jason toy says:
"What's wrong, couldn't get a date?"
"You're ugly."
"You smell bad."
"You smell weird."
This continues until you pull the thorn out of your foot.You see engraved on the thorns is a list of 10 morals of a story:
1. Listen to your heart, not the madness of the world.
2. Don't trust the smiling faces of strangers, even if they offer you gifts.
3. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
4. This is no fairy tale, all players are not nice.
5. Only you can save yourself, nobody else can do it for you.
6. You have to stop playing by other people's rules in order to be yourself.
7. Don't waste your life following others dreams, you have your own.
8. Others will respect you more if you respect yourself first.
9. Others will follow your lead more willingly if you lead by example.
10. It's okay to be a little self-centered, you can't save the world without saving yourself.
as you finish reading the thorn you are hit by A large dildo, with a singular fucking moral of the fucking story written on it:
"Never look back, mo-fo. Fuck what they wrote and fuck what they think of you."
Look who's back! And he's brought a lot of interesting choices with him.
You look up into the sky and see a person standing on a rooftop. It's
Chet, shouting, "They see you, they see you."
He's dead now. He fell off a roof when he was eight. You have flashes of people tasting food and then decaying before your eyes.
You lean in for a kiss with the ghost of Chet. She tastes like bubble gum and rainbows.
She hands you a list of regrets:
1. I regret not staying in touch with friends.
2. I regret not being nicer to my sister.