Tarzan, a guy who has left the jungle for the first time

Posted under Episode 252, Story On By Chief

You are Tarzan, a guy who has left the jungle for the first time. You go into the city and are weirded-out by all the suits and dresses you see people wear since you've worn a loincloth your whole life. You go to a swimming pool where you see a group of guys dressed in speedos. You say, "Finally, I've found people who look normal." You run up to the speedo guys and hug them. They're so surprised that they don't even try to stop you.

Then there's the circus.
You join the circus. The clowns are really nice to you. One of them tells you he used to be a real clown until one day when he was working on stage, his head got stuck in a lamp post!
You attempt to help the clown and remove his lamp post from his head revealing severe electrical burns. The other clowns think this is hilarious so they all kick you out of the circus.
You go to a bar and drink a lot and cry tears of pain and loneliness.
At the bar you see George of the Jungle, the current Ape Man act at the circus, and the real reason you were fired. You walk up to him and ask why he is better than you. He tells you that he is better than you because he has balls. You don't understand so you ask for an explanation.
He then lifts his kilt and shows you his balls. Your primate killer instincts kick in and you rip off his testicles with your teeth. You swallow his testicles and absorb his strength. You realize you're in a bar full of circus people and can easily kill them all.
You spend the rest of the night going from table to table ripping off people's heads.

> You amidst a field of blood and body parts, you feel immense guilt for what you've done and go to the church.
You run to the only place you feel safe: the church. The priest is in shock so you calm him down and ask if you can stay there for a bit. He gladly allows you to do as you wish.

> You make eye contact with a beautiful nun and introduce yourself to her.
You make eye contact with the beautiful nun. Her name is Sister Mary and you soon get married! You go on to have several children together.

> You are teaching your children, banana 1, banana 2, and banana 3 how to climb through vines at the top of a large tree.
As your children get older, they become very curious about their father's origins. One day, your oldest daughter asks to see where you grew up.
You take your daughter to the middle of the Amazon rainforest.  She is fascinated by the wildlife but you tell her to focus and look around. You point out the large vines that grow on trees and teach her how to swing from them. Your daughter is a natural!
A jaguar approaches you from behind and you hold up your fist for your family to see. You tell them that when a jaguar attacks, you need to crouch down and cover your head.
You watch as a jaguar rips of your daughters arm and drags her into the bushes. You grab a rock and chase after them to kill the beast. You find your daughter missing and the jaguar charging at you with a roar.
The Jaguar speaks to you and he says, "Why did you kill my son! You are the father, why would you kill your own daughter?"
"Because if I don't kill her, she'll grow up to kill me."
You lung at her with the rock and the jaguar swipes you away. Your daughter is going to be raised by jaguars. You fail to protect her. You have failed at everything in your life. You deserve this fate.
You look at the Jaguar and realize he is your father. When he was on his death bed, he told you to look after the family. You didn't do that either. You killed your own father.
You rip off the jaguars balls. You're going to need all the strength you can get.
You see your daughter cheering you on and gain the inspiration to get the last bit of strength needed to rip of the beast's balls.
You rip them off and gain an immense feeling of power.
The moral of the story: Always respect your father.