Jim Eee, prospective standup comedian

Posted under Episode 251, Story On By Chief

You are Jim Eee and you are in the beginning stages of a comedy routine. You are currently strolling onto the stage, passing the entryway's gracefully hung curtains, the passing minutes providing a higher realm of clarity to your mental faculties, as the mic booms a sharp ringing noise which follows a firm throat-clearing sigh, "Hello, my name is Jim Eee. I stand at 5 inches, 2 hands, and 2 feet. I can't stand at my own feet so I choose to stand within them."	You begin your routine with a slow, well-rehearsed pace.
It is not going well. Next to the stage is Cum-Boy, superhero who can Shoot cum out of his hands. Cum-Boy gets a standing ovation from the 3 people in the crowd. After the show, you ask Cum-Boy for comedy advice. If you learn to be a funny comedian like him, you might not have to resort to blowjobs as much. He says, "Practice makes perfect," and hands you a bar of soap.
Tone Eee, a rival comedian who makes jokes about his friends, Jason Eee and Core Eee, tells you that you don't have and you should give up on comedy forever. He also says that you are not funny. You believe him and decide to quit comedy altogether. After all, if you want a girl to like you, you might as well just pay her.

> You decide to pay the next woman you see for love. In walks Victoria, that hot blonde from the neighborhood who has a crush on you.
Suddenly, a female you haven't seen before enters the bar.

> You order her a drink and chit chat. You tell her a funny pun.
The two of you sit at a table, both of you noticeably uncomfortable in your surroundings. Victoria's face turns red as she tries to find words to say. You, conversely, are very at ease.
You have run out of puns, so to break the silence you lean in for a kiss. Victoria pulls away.
"I'm not paying you for this."
"What? I thought we were having fun.
You panic and rattle off 10 jokes to Victoria:
"How do you fit an elephant in a fridge? You unfreeze it and wait."
"What is invisible and smells like carrots?"
"What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho."
"What do you call Santa's helper?"
"What is yellow, fuzzy and writes? A pomelo!"
"What do you call a scarecrow in college?"
"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"
"Why was the invisible man funny? He wanted to be seen."
Victoria seems to laugh a little at your jokes.

> You use your newfound confidence to go in for two kisses.
You try to lean in for a second time, but Victoria is not so eager this time. She smacks into your lips and looks down at the floor.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this."

> You say "What is the reason?"
"I- I just don't feel comfortable. I don't want to lead you on."
You exhale slowly.
"Well, then don't. But can we at least be friends?"

> You say "Did you ever have a crush on me in the past?"
"Yeah. But it's different now."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't like you in that way anymore."
"Oh... So we're just friends? That's probably for the best... "
"Yeah. But, I dunno. Things are going well for you right now and I don't want to mess that up."
"You won't.

> You say " Can we be friends with benefits? Will you stroke my funnybone?"
"I don't know about that, but we can still hang out... So will you, like, come to my gig tomorrow?"
"Yeah, of course.

> You ask her what her favorite band is. you say yours is the "Yeah Yeah Yeah's"
"Yeah Yeah Yeahs, they are pretty good."
She asks you what your favorite movie is and you say "Pulp fiction"
"Oh hell yeah, that's an amazing movie."
You go to Victoria's standup show the next night and her standup set is all about a "terrible" date she went on. You know she is talking about you, and the room is loving it. After the show you walk up to her and lean in for a kiss.
You turn to a friend and whisper "It's good to be funny.
The funny moral of the story: don't go on bad dates.
Cum-boys word of the day: Enigma