Jack Healy, a 30 year old man who is spending another birthday alone

Posted under Episode 250, Story On By Chief

You are Jack Healy, a 30 year old man who is spending another birthday alone with a cake and a fork. You remember sending everyone at work a invitation but no one came to your party. You can only assume they were all busy or you just didn't get their names right.

Today is the third day of your birthday and so far it's been a mixed bag for you.
You lookup everyone's home address and drive door to door asking why people did not attend your birthday party. The responses range from "I was too drunk" to "My sister had a baby on her first birthday."
Dave Chappelle agrees to come to your birthday party.  You agree to go to his and tell him that tomorrow is also fine.
You visit the Dave on the farm and have a nice dinner with him and his family. The food is good and you don't have to cook.
You are on your way home.
Suddenly you have a craving for seconds, so you turn around the car. You continue to eat at the Chappelle farm until you gain over 600 lbs. The food was just so good. You decide to stay in Missouri because you like it here. You realize that this is the happiest you've ever been.
Everyone at work is impressed with how much weight you've gained.  Your supervisor thinks you're going to win employee of the month. You win employee of the decade.
Your funeral is nice.
You attend the award ceremony where you show heroic restraint at the buffet table. You are given a trophy, a free meal for a year, and a full ride to the university of your choice.
You tell them you want to be a farmer.

> You enroll at Farmville University.
The dean addresses the crowd "These are the finest students Farmville has ever seen! What an honor it is to be able to educate these young minds!"
You consider the following 10 farming specialties:
- Agronomy
- Farm Management
- Crop Science
- Natural Resource Mgmt.
- Soil Science
- Agricultural Economics
You wonder which one will shape your future.
You graduate Farmville University specializing in farm criminology. Your first job is at the largest pig farm in Iowa. You sit in the office solving crime.
You are not needed on the farm and you live out of the vending machine.
One day a female pig walks into your office and tells you she has a problem.
"It was either this or human trafficking." You say.
You get to know the pigs and learn a lot about saving money. Unfortunately, farm crime is on the rise and you become a target.

> You are threatened by the head of the farm mafia, Jethro Gaptooth.
Jethro Gaptooth came to see you in your office. He was accompanied by five other gentlemen, all armed.
"You gotta problem?" Jethro asks, "Can't ya sense it?
You kill Jethro and feed him to the pigs. You are never caught by the police. You retire to a large house in the country with your girlfriend Bo Peep.
The end.
You got: Lawful Good Human Paladin!
You are a shining example of justice and honor.
The moral of the story: Be a good person, so you will be happy.