You are James, a guy who has had a hard time finding one particular grocery item. It's butter. You have gone to a dozen grocery stores in the past year and none of them have had butter. You wonder why that is. One day, you are at the grocery store when you see the butter section is empty, but there's a man who has a cart full of butter. His name is Jason and he has been hogging all the butter in the country. "Hey, Jason," you say. "I need some butter." Jason looks up from his cart and smiles. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of bills. You take the money, but you longingly stare at all the butter in his cart. The thought of it fills your heart with joy. The next day, you go back to the same grocery store and ask for the same thing. > You say "You buy a cow from craigslist. Her name is Bessie and you attempt to make your own butter." You buy a cow from craigslist. Her name is Bessie and you attempt to make your own butter. It takes two months to make your butter, and by the time you finish it tastes terrible and smells worse. You can't sell it. > You decide to eat it. one log at a time. Your decision to eat the butter yourself is a good one. For the next five years, you eat nothing but butter, until it runs out. Then your health fails and you die of malnutrition. The Amish Butter Cartel uses a defibrillator to bring you back to life, they hold the local monopoly on butter production. They want your help to take down Jason and his buttery ways. Will you join them? You decide to join the Amish Butter Cartel. You raid Jasons' farm while he's out herding his cows. In the ensuing shootout you kill all of the Amish that accompanied you. You take a bullet to your head, but live to face justice. You are captured an brought before Jebutterdiah who is the head of the Butter Cartel. "You are sentenced to death for murder and robbery". He tells you. As the guards take you away you think of your future, which holds only one date. You butter up the prison bars and slip out to escape. You hide from Jebuttediah who has placed a hit on you. You go into hiding. You eat scraps and eventually end up killing a guard and stealing his gun. You use it to rob a bank, but get shot in the process. You get arrested and killed in a firefight with the local militia. You die of a heart attack while eating a stick of butter. You awaken to Jason putting a fresh stick of butter in your mouth. He says "Welcome to the butter jungle" You hug him. You are so excited to be alive, you lean in for a buttery kiss. With a smile, he agrees. You tell Jason about Jebutterdiah and he shows you a board. On it is a detailed plan to kill and dissolve the Amish Butter Cartel. Will you join him? Your help turns the tide of the war against the cartel. The two of you get married and live happily ever after. Amish Butter Cartel kidnap one of your children for ransom. They call you on the phone and say if you don't pay them by the end of the week, they'll kill them. You send them your entire life savings, but they still cut up and place your child's body in individual jars. > You swear vengeance on Butterdiah and stalk him until he is alone in the bathtub. You wait all night in the bathtub across from his apartment. He doesn't come out. You decide to break in but find he has installed a new lock that you cannot pick. > You wait quietly until he opens the door, then you jam a stick of butter up his nose with all your might. You are caught and butterdiah fills your entire body with butter. You melt away over the course of a month. You spray hot butter in Butterdiah's face, killing him instantly. You dismantle the board and place a contract on your life. The Amish Butter Cartel accidentally kills you while attempting to kill Butterdiah. The moral of story: Never trust anyone, most specially not strangers on the internet. Especially not ones that ask you stupid questions. PS: Fuck you.
James, a guy who has had a hard time finding butter
Posted under Episode 249, Story On By Chief