Roland Odhner, a schizophrenic man from Nantucket

Posted under Episode 248, Story On By Chief

You are Roland Odhner, a schizophrenic man from Nantucket. Nearly every day of your entire life, you've been told you a variation of one "joke". Now, since you've lost your job as a local politician, you have the free time to determine if there is a grand conspiracy against you.

The story goes like this: The world has gone mad and you're just one of many victims.

> You check your house for wires.
You don't see any signs of tampering with your home. In fact, it seems to be in pretty good condition considering how much you've had to deal with lately.

> You know that's just what they want you to think.
You hear a faint noise coming from your backyard.
"Ah, come on... No." You mutter to yourself as you go off to search for the source of the noise.

> You go to your backyard and get sprayed skunk in the bush. On the way back to your house you see an unmarked letter on the porch that reads "They know"
You slink back inside your house and notice a faint, yet foul smell emanating from your clothing.
"What the hell...?" You question to the air as you fumble through your coat pockets.
You open all the cans of tomato soup and try to get smell off of you. After a lot of effort it seems to have worked.
You're exhausted from your nocturnal escapade and head straight to bed where you pass out.
You wake up in the middle of the night because you can't sleep. You decide to get a drink from the kitchen and maybe take something to help you sleep.
You open your cupboard and notice that all of your Tylenol has been replaced with 500mg Ibuprofen.
You drop the bottle to the ground and run outside in fear. You see Reindrob, a crazy scientist, running down the street looking for a power source for his machine.  He is yelling that he just needs it for a few more minutes.
He has a giant drill that he uses to make holes in people's heads and turn them into zombies.
You let Reindrob into your house to recharge his drill using a free outlet in your living room.
"You'll never take me alive, copper!" You yell as police officers break through the front door. A bullet whizzes by your head and hits Reindrob in the chest.

> You grab Reindrob's drill and charge the police, but the cord isnt long enough.
You fade into unconsciousness just before the police finish you off with a bullet to your head.

> You wake up from a dream in your own bed. You feel the back of your head and feel a scar from an operation.
"That was a crazy dream. I guess it's time to wake up now. Hello?"
You see a police officer standing in your doorway.
"It's time to wake up now."

> You look around and see you are in the mental hospital.
You see a police officer in your doorway.
"It's time to wake up now."
You walk over to the door and look out the window into the hallway.
You see a deer standing in the courtyard. It turns to you and says, "It's time to wake up now."
You open your eyes and realize you're strapped to a table. A deer head is above you on the wall. You start to scream, but realize you are in a mental hospital.
You are startled by Reindrob, who knocks down the wall with an energy cannon to free you.
"The doctors are killing all of the patients! We have to escape!"
You and Reindrob fumble with the straps for a while untill you realize they are coming toward the room.
The doctors arrive. Reindrob turns his energy cannon on them. He says, "It's time to wake up," and fires.
You close your eyes.
You wake up in a graveyard. You see a purple-skinned orc wearing a doctors uniform standing over you.
"It's time to wake up now."
You wake up and you are in medevil times. You are a cabbage farmer and you are covered in mid. A knight strolls down the road and looks and you and says, "It's time to wake up."
You wake up and realize you have been kidnapped. You look around and see the letter "R" carved into the wall over and over again.

> You find a mirror on the wall. You look into the mirror and see that you are Reindrob.
You break the mirror and see that you are really you.
You see a portal open up in the corner of the room and a blue-skinned alien walks out.
The alien says, "Hey, have you seen an orc in a lab coat around here?"
You say, "Yeah, he just ran that way," and point in the direction of the door.
The alien nods his head and walks back through the portal.
You say, "Wait one more thing, sup."
You jump onto the portal before it closes and say, "Thanks for saving me and all that, but why did you kidnap me in the first place and what's with the movie references."
You look around and see you are in a very strange world. There are video games and cartoon characters everywhere you look.
"What the...where are we?
You realize you are trapped inside the mind of a schizophrenic. He suddenly grabs you and says, "Thanks for waking me up!"
The credits roll.
The moral of the fucking story: don't do drugs.