Taylor Swift, the world’s fastest female pop star

Posted under Episode 246, Story On By Chief

You are Taylor Swift, the world's fastest female pop star. During the biggest relay concert of your career, Kanye West runs onto the stage and steals the baton right out of your hand! He promises to let you finish, but dashes through the backstage door while you are distracted by his nonsense. You immediately give chase, knowing you need that baton to complete the relay!

But it is not just a simple case of chasing down the thief. The entire stadium has been turned into an arena for this event, with thousands of people cheering on their favorite singer.
You are quickly passed by America's favorite singer: Katy Perry. She is so busy celebrating her victory over West that she does not even notice you running after her.
Katy Perry is suddenly distracted by a man in the audience. You look up and see it is Tony, a streamer who has an eloquent singing voice, and he is singing to her! She is completely distracted by his performance, and barely notices that she has reached the door.

> You lean in to kiss Tony.
You lean in to kiss him, but are blocked by a sudden flurry of hands. "Get away from my baby!" you hear. You turn around to face a hulking monster.
You realize you are pregnant and tell the hulking monster this. He stares, dumbstruck, and then says "Well I guess that's my kid too."
"Oh Dad!" you hear a familiar voice cry. You turn around to see your son Tim.

> You ask the hulking monster what his name is.
"Don't you remember me, honey?" he asks.
You stare at him. Surely you would remember a hulking monster... "Well, I'm Tim's dad, obviously."
"Tim's dad?"
Tim's dad reveals himself to be Michael Jackson, the zombie. He begins to tear up. "Come on, you must remember me..."
"I'm sorry, I just want to finish this relay," you say.
"I see," he says.

> You and your son Tim continue chasing after Kanye West.
"C'mon, you've kept your father waiting long enough," he says. He turns to you and smiles.
You and Tim walk through the door and find yourself in an empty hallway of some sort. You see a door marked "3" swing shut, and you run towards it.
You burst through the door to find yourself on the stage of a massive arena.
You do a duet with your son Tim and the audience is blown away. As you see everyone rush the stage, you are finally able to see Kanye making his way for the parking lot. You tell the crowd to surf you to him. They lift you up and carry you towards him.
Kanye smiles as he sees you coming. "You're not taking this away from me!" he screams, and takes a small bottle out of his pocket.
He takes a drink from the bottle and shrinks to 1/100 his original size. You are dropped to the floor and the crowd goes wild.
You rush towards the bottle and grab it as security guards find an identical one also filled with a 1/100 sized Kanye.
You look inside and see Kayne, you demand he tell you where the baton is.
"Well, if you really must know, it's in a safe place," he says.

> You realize the baton is in Kanye's butt.
"OK, I'll give you this. It's in your butt!"
Kayne shakes his head. "Despite what you think of me, I'm not stupid enough to keep it in there.
You shake the bottle until Kayne gives up. "Fine! It's in a... nevermind. Doesn't matter."
"Tell me!" you demand.
"It's in the coffin," he says.
"Coffin?" you repeat.
You see Alice Cooper racing past you in his motorized coffin. You see the baton inside and chase after it. You throw the bottle with Kayne in it at his head and he stops. You grab the baton and slide down a very long bannister. You see Alice waiting patiently for you, and you notice you're behind the Spirit Layer now.

> You activate your magic gauntlets and smash through the Spirit Layer. You greet Alice.
"Well, that's that," you say.
"Indeed it is," she says.
You look over at her. She smiles at you.

> You get in the Swift-mobile and peel away, leaving Alice Cooper in the dust.
You enter the Swift-mobile and drive away as quickly as you can. The crowd is furious with you, but the machine guns mounted on the front of the truck should fend them off.
You remarkably catch up to Katy Perry, you are neck and neck with her as you near the finish line.
You cross the finish line.
"I'm sorry, it looks like you've lost. Better luck next time," an automated voice says.
You lean in for a kiss with the automated voice teller and suddenly it announces that actually you have won the race. It also dispenses a Reindrob TM, Pink Dildo.
The moral of the story: you don't need luck to get a woman, just a really large dildo.