Hermione Granger, the smartest student in Hogwarts

Posted under Episode 246, Story On By Chief

You are Hermione Granger, the smartest student in Hogwarts. You are hoping to get 100% on the big test. You start taking the test and 99 of the questions are easy, but the last question is about something you've never heard of called "AIPD." You get the question wrong and become furious at your imperfect grade.

"I'm going to fail this test! I can't do it!" you say.

The teacher looks at you with a stern look. "What?" he asks.
the teacher suggests you see the Hogwarts therapist.

"No way am I going to go see that crazy old man," you say.

The teacher seems disappointed by your answer, but says nothing else. He then turns his attention back to the test.

> You complain about the test question to your overrated friend Harry Potter.
You need to get advice from your best friend in the whole wide world, but unfortunately he is not here. Instead, you decide to ask his best friend, who is your boyfriend, Ron Weasley.
You search through the library for hours looking for info about AIPD, but finding nothing. You go to the bathroom and see a Scroll of Apedus Mohora spell where the toilet paper should be. You read it allowed and it says it will make the person smell like roses. You laugh at this and stuff it in your pocket, knowing that it should go to Ron. Then you try and cast the spell on your red hair.
You cast the spell on Ron, but something unexpected happens. Ron smells like roses, but everyone else now smells like cabbage. Even you, you now smell like a rabbit. After this occurred, you start to feel very itchy.

> You feel your ears and realize they have gotten longer and floppy.
You feel an itching sensation on your ears. They are growing longer and coming to a point. You do not have your wand, so there is nothing you can do. You are now part of the wizard community! Congratulations!
Ron approaches you and tells you he wants to break up with you. He says that after your recent weird behavior and choice in friends, you are not the girl he fell in love with. This hurts your heart, but there is nothing you can do about it.
You see Ron is already dating a new girl, a transfer student who smells like cabbage. You think she may be from Durmstrang.
Your friends abandon you one by one as they get absorbed into the wizarding community while you remain a muggle.

> You search high and low for your wand.
You begin searching for your wand, a difficult task in the large castle of Hogwarts.
You finally find your wand in the office of Whoopi Goldberg. You try to grab it and sneak out, but she catches you.
"Young lady, you are not a wizard, are you?" she asks.
You show Whoopi your wand and attempt to cast an impressive spell. "I'm the chosen one. I can do lots of magic." You say, but nothing happens.
"Oh dear. You're a squib. I'm sorry dear." Whoopi says apologetically.

> You lose your temper and magic crackles from your fingertips.
You lose your temper and cast magic from your fingertips. Whoopi shrieks in terror as a bolt of lightning sets her robe on fire.
Knoblin The Goblin, back from office-life obscurity, walks into the office right as this happens and attempts to disarm you.
Bolts of lightning fly in every direction as you and Knoblin fight for control of Whoopi's robe, which is still on fire.
the three of you tumble out the window, a ball of robe and fire. you start casting a spell during the freefall. somehow, your spell slows all of your falls and Knoblin, being closer to you, is slowed more. he hits the ground with a thud and a sickening crunch.
You fall next, but softly.
You look at Whoopi who has become a pile of ash. You brush some of it off your robe.
"Fucking muggle." You whisper, knowing that she was a witch.
You walk back to the castle and find your friends waiting for you at the entrance.

> You say "Guess who's back, bitches?"
"Who?" they all ask in unison.
"That's right. It's your boy, Trigga!" you say.
You take a seat at the head of the table and wait for initiation to begin.
The moral of the story: muggles get burned.