Michael Jordan, the basketball player from Space Jam

Posted under Episode 245, Story On By Chief

You are Michael Jordan, the basketball player from Space Jam. One day, you are dribbling basketballs next to a movie theater when you hear a bunch of people talk about what a good actor Michael Jordan. You assume that they are talking about your performance in Space Jam, so you stand around with your hands on your hips. However, it turns out that they are talking about the actor Michael B. Jordan. You get mad and start throwing basketballs at Michael B. Jordan's head. 

"Hey! Stop playing!" you yell. "I'm not a fucking actor."

"Oh," one of them says, "you're an athlete then?"

"No I'm not,"

> You stick out your tongue and dunk on your haters.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? You're not even trying. This isn't like when you were in Space Jam."

You look down at your shoes and realize that you've got no socks on.
You feel terrible when you get home and are unable to sleep. You see your Therapist for a late night session.
"I don't know what to do."
"Sure you do, you just don't want to. You are in denial.
You come out of denial and tell her that you think you need to get a job. She agrees but, it is too late for her to help you. You start to notice that she doesn't like sports or have any athletic ability.
You find out that you weren't cast for Space Jam 2 and later that day you get the flu. Your life is coming to an end and you know it.

> You decide to crash the set and act in Space Jam 2.
You crash the set and the director is mad until they see your talent. They cast you as a stunt double for Michael Jordan. You're pretty sure you get cancer from all the radiation during filming.

> You give the flu to everyone on set.
You get the idea to give everyone on set the flu so you don't have to do your own stunts. You get pretty good at it, for a while you have no competition.
LeBron James compete with you to give people the flu.  He's a little better, he gives his entire high school class the flu. You try to top that but give yourself the flu during your efforts and have to go to the hospital.
You want to be more contagious than LeBron, so you break into the experimental CDC viral laboratory and start licking petri dishes. One of the scientists notices that some dishes are missing and realizes what is happening. He sends his staff to apprehend you.

> You jump over their heads and escape.
You jump over their heads a few times, but the scientists number in the dozens and they manage to corner you. You realize that your life is over, but at least you killed Space Jam 2.
Phil Jackson, who will coach us to flu-spreading fame, tells you "you gotta sneeze on them Mikey"! You wonder if you have to actually sneeze or if fucking giving the flu to everyone will count.
A security guard gives you a super soaker full of bleach, and the flu spreads through the world.
you sell new Air-Jordans that when they puff the tongue it sprays flu virus all over you.
You die a hero.
You die and fall off your yacht that you were celebrating on contaminating the water supply by Lake Tahoe. The Jordan spreads rapidly across the globe. 
You win.
You never have to pay for anything ever again with your fame.
You continue to spread the virus by doing commercials.

> You are inducted into the flu hall of fame. You thank Hane's underwear during your acceptance speech.
You become a flu spokesman and start endorsing products.
You give everyone the bird flu at an airport.
You get the fucking bird flu.
You are pulled off the plane as you vomit on everyone.

> You give everyone you vomited on free Hanes for life.
You have a lot of people to give free Hanes to.
Your doctor tells you that the only way you can live is if you are cryogenically frozen.
You fucking cryogenically freeze your fucking self.
You have to wait a long ass time before they figure out how to cure your fucking disease.
You are cured by modern medicine and thawed out.

> You look at the calendar and see the year is.
You're still alive! WOO!
You had a heart attack while you were frozen.
Your family sues the hospital for your heart failure caused by the freezing process. You win it all.
The fucking moral of the fucking story: The fucking lawyers get it all.