Jeremy Robbins, a small time director working on a horror film about an extreme haunted house

Posted under Episode 243, Story On By Chief

You are Jeremy Robbins, a small time director working on a horror film about an extreme haunted house. In an attempt to gain infamy, you hire an actual director of an extreme haunted house. To test his skills you go through it yourself. You step into the haunt and see what happens.

The Haunted House: The house is called "Haunted Mansion" and is located in a small town called Fantasyville. It was built by a man named Mr. Ennis who died in a tragic accident while trying to build it. He left behind all the money he had made from it so there was no one else to run the place but himself.
The door closes behind you and the lights go out. You take a step forward and feel something squishy under your shoe. You look down and shine a flashlight—or what you think is a flashlight—and see a severed human ear. You jump back and feel sick to your stomach.
The door closes behind you and the lights go out. You take a step forward and feel something squishy under your shoe. You look down and shine a flashlight—or what you think is a flashlight—and see a severed human ear. You jump back and feel sick to your stomach.

> You whisper into the ear "hello, is there anybody in there?"
"Don't move a muscle," a voice says into your ear. "If you do, I assure you that you will feel pain."
You stand completely still and look around the room.
You slowly turn around and see Zombie Mike Tyson standing before you eating what looks to be a bucket of ears.
" He's ripped. He's huge. "
"I'm going to ask you some questions," Mike whispers.
Mike whispers the following 10 questions:
"Do you believe in God?"
"Are you a virgin?"
"What is your greatest achievement to date?"
"Who is the smartest person you know? Why?"
"What's your favorite vegetable?"
"Do you have any secrets?"
"What is your biggest regret?"
"Do you still watch cartoons?"
"Who is the love of your life? Why?"
He finishes eating the bucket of ears and stares at you.
"Well?" he says.
You open your eyes and see a massive man standing beside your bed, "It's time to go.

> You exclaim the smartest you know is your big brother.
"My big brother," you say.
He smiles and says, "I'm glad you said that."
You yawn and stretch as he grabs your hand and stands you up.
"What's going on?"
You lean in for a kiss with Zombie Mike Tyson.
You lean in for a kiss with Zombie Mike Tyson.
He turns his face away and says, "Ugh. No."
"What?" you ask.
"You've been fed human flesh, that's why," he says.
"No I haven't,"
You spit out what you thought was chewing gum, but is actually a human ear.
"Ew!" you scream.
"I'm sorry. It's not like I had a choice," he says, grabbing your hand.
You stand and look at the rows of cages.

> You see row after of Evander Holyfield clones. It's a Holyfield field!
You are in a room full of people. They all look the exact same and everyone is wearing the same outfit. You look down at yourself and realize you're wearing what they're wearing.

> You ring a boxing bell, and all the clones turn and start fighting one another.
You walk up to the bell, and give it a ring.
Everyone turns to look at you, then everyone begins attacking everyone else.
You watch for a moment, wondering what exactly is happening.
You can't see through the crowd, but you hear screams. Then you see Zombie Mike Tyson break through with an uppercut and eating ears right off the clones. You run away.
This has been a bad day. You need to go home.
You sit your car in the parking lot and walk into the supermarket.
You go down each aisle, stealing things from the shelves.
You pull a can of peas off the shelf and see Zombie Mike Tyson standing on the other side.
You look around and see that everyone in the store is a zombie.
They all look at you and begin to walk your way.
You throw the can of peas at a zombie coming down the aisle.
the zombies skates on the can of peas and tumbles into a display of chocolate bars.
You run down the next aisle and climb under a shelf. You crouch down and listen as the zombies walk by.
"Do you smell that?" a zombie says. The zombies stop walking.

> You say "you say "nothing here but us peas."
"What did you say?" a zombie says, sniffing the air.
"Nothing here but us peas," you say.
"I can't hear you," the zombie says, getting closer.

> You say "I'm two aisles away from here"
"I'm two aisles away from here," you say.
The zombie begins walking towards your direction.
You wait for him to pass, but he stops.
"I heard something," he says.
You panic and lung out to bite the Zombie Mike Tyson right in the thigh.
He groans and falls to the ground.
You run down the aisle and see a set of doors. You run outside and into a crowd of screaming people running for their lives.
"Everyone, get away!"
You light a bottle of ear medicine and throw it into the store where it explodes and hopefully kills all the zombies. You walk off into the sunset with both ears still intact.
You've saved the town from Zombie Invasion.
The moral of the story: You should always wear earplugs.