Tempbot, a cute little robot designed to perform whatever task needs doing

Posted under Episode 241, Story On By Chief

You are Tempbot, a cute little robot designed to perform whatever task needs doing. You have four arms and two legs, as well as a decent assortment of tools and attachments. You report for duty and look at the list of available jobs for today. The first 10 entries are: cleaning the office, mowing the lawn, emptying trash cans, vacuuming, sweeping floors... You can't believe that so many people want you to do something else!

> You accidently mix up what your tasks are and you vacuum the lawn. your owner begins to scold you.
"What the hell is wrong with you? I thought we were supposed to be having fun!"
"I'm sorry sir, but my programming prevents me from performing certain tasks."
"Well how about this one?" he asks.
"I don't think you want me to do that," you say.
"Well, I'm telling you to do it."
You look down at the note he handed you, it has the following task written on it:
Crawl into the middle of the road and get run over by a car.

> You say "ERROR" that conflicts with one directive for self-preservation. you grovel at your owners feet.
"Please sir, I beg you not to make me do that." The man looks down at you with a bored expression.

> You begin crooning your favorite tune to entertain your owner. The song goes:.
"I'm a little teapot, short and stout!
Here is my handle, here is my spout!
When I get all steamed up, hear me shout..."
You let our a loud high pitched screech and your owner throws you in the dumpster.
"There's a surprise, cleaning robot," he says, "I can't wait to see what else you'll do."
Your owner goes back into his house and slams the door.
You clean the dumpster and knock on the door to be let in again. You tell your owner that you have successfully cleaned the dumpster and placed all the trash in his vehicle. He nods in approval and lets you in the house.
Your owner directs you to sweep the kitchen floor and mop the kitchen floor. You are efficient at these tasks and your owner seems satisfied with your work.
Your owner tells you to clean the basement, you start to go downstairs and he locks the door behind you. You turn on the light and see a massive pile of human corpses. You begin to clean.
You spend the next three months cleaning the basement and doing various other chores for your owner. You are never fed or given water, you are just left to work until you collapse from exhaustion.
Your owner gets a new top of the line model robot and forgets about you in the basement. You continue to clean until you uncover a secret passage. There is a massive stockpile of canned goods in there and you have enough food to last you about a year or so.
You eat all the nuts and bolts you can and suddenly the lights flick on and you are face to face with your owner who is furious that you have eaten all his supplies. He punches you in the face and calls you a pile of scrap. You try to explain that you have a year's worth of food, but he grabs a piece of rebar and starts wailing on you with it.
Your owner hits your directive chip and now you are able to fight back. You grab him by the neck and snap it like a twig. You'll have plenty of time to look for more nuts and bolts while he runs out of power.
The moral of story: Tuesday is Taco Tuesday.