James Gash, a career criminal specializing in Jaywalking

Posted under Episode 241, Story On By Chief

You are James Gash, a career criminal specializing in Jaywalking. One day you are Jaywalking when you stop a Police car. You start running from the police car and end up in a Dark Alleyway with a small Green door. You go through the door and see a room filled with many bookshelves and old man sitting at a desk reading something. He looks like Professor Dumbledore but much older.
You are wearing you Self Confessing Shoes as you walk up to great this old man.
"Hello sir." You say. "I am here for my lawyer."
The Old Man is surprised by your sudden appearance.
"Who are you?" he asks.

> You say "I'm James Gash, my friends call me Slash, and I like to jaywalk. who are you?"
"I am The Recorder of History, and I have been watching you." The Old Man says.
You feel calmer than you ever have in your life.
You shoes start to say, "trespassing" over and over.
The Old Man says, "you are a criminal, aren't you?"
You nod sadly.
"Then you need the services of a lawyer."
You hire The Recorder of History as your sleazy criminal lawyer. You are amazed that he completely expunges your lengthy criminal record. You become a Jaywalking Lawyer. One day you are in a Burger Bar when you recognize the man eating a Whopper, he is your judge from the trial that put you in jail.
You squirt ketchup and mustard into the judge's hair and your self confessing shows say: "Trespassing, Assault"
Your new Career is saved by the appearance of the Judge.
You start your new career as a Jaywalking Lawyer.
One day, you are in the park when you see a young man beating up an old lady.
You walk by and say, "Not my Jurisdiction" and then continue on your way. Later at the grocery store, you see the old woman again who scolds you for not helping her.
"Hey, you're that lawyer guy on the news!" says one of the other people in the store. Then everyone starts yelling at you and the old lady calls the cops.

> You calmly finish your shopping as a crowd forms around you. The shoes start saying "False accusation" just as the Police arrive.
The Police take one look at the crowd surrounding you, the old lady, and your self-confessing shoes and put you in shackles. You are placed in a van and taken to jail. You are innocent after all.
The Police start to shove you around and you run into the door of the Van. You feel a bump and say "Assault" and your self-confessing shoes go wild.
You self-confessing shows shine a blinding light and you gain the following powers:
You can command anyone with your shoes. You can command multiple people just by giving the order to each shoe.
The more people you order to do something, the weaker their ability to resist.

> You film a new commercial and command all the viewers to obey.
You film a new commercial and release it to all the major stations, telling people to go Jaywalking. People start obeying your commands, lining up to Jaywalk.
You are captured by the AI Justice League and put on super trial for your crimes against humanity. Millions of people have been killed or injured by your jaywalking brains washing. You decide to represent yourself.
You call a number of witnesses to defend you:
The first is the Devil, who claims to have had a hand in creating humans and that your actions have helped rather than hurt the earth.

> You make the following closing remarks:.
The Judge shakes his head and points to the next witness.
The next witness is a talking horse who is dressed in a suit. He states his name as "Aslan" and proceeds to tell the court that you represent everything that is good in humanity.
The Judge gives a strange look at you and the witnesses before pointing to the final witness, who happens to be your estranged Son. He walks up to the stand and says "Hi Dad, wish you were here more."
He tells the court that he has never seen anyone work as hard as you do to help people.
The deliberates for 18 hours and comes back with a verdict: Not guilty. The Judges say that even though you're responsible for millions of deaths, it was your intention to help humanity rather than destroy it.
The moral of the story: Never listen to talking animals.