Dick Douglas, a Christmas enthusiast

Posted under Episode 240, Story On By Chief

You are Dick Douglas, a Christmas enthusiast. It's the middle of November, but you are determined to get obsessively deep into the Christmas spirit as soon as possible. You must chop down a tree, buy presents, and of course decorate every inch of every room! You head to the Reindrob Department Store with a full wallet and an even fuller gift list!

The store is filled with cheerful elves, who eagerly hand out their stock of gifts. "This one here has all the trinkets I need for my sister-in-law,"
You look at your list and see the 10 trinkets she wanted: a red velvet stocking, a gold candelabra, a silver goblet, a golden crown with green glass eyes, an orange tasseled scarf and a blue ribbon bow.

> You the Easter Bunny is your cashier because he is out of work until Easter. He gives you a lot of attitude as he rings you up.
"I had to work on Christmas!" He whispers loudly.
"So?" You ask.
He gives you a dirty look and moves your items over the scanner.
You complaint to the Easter Bunny's manager that he was very rude to you while checking out.
"What did he do?" The manager asks.
"He told me that I wasn't his boss and that he didn't want to be working during Christmas," You explain angrily.
"That's absurd, I'm sorry about that. How about I just give you your items for free?"
You agree and leave the store a happy man.
The Easter Bunny follows you out into the parking lot. 
The Easter Bunny follows you into the parking lot. He says, "I didn't want to do that. I wanted to teach you a lesson about respecting authority."
He pulls out a gun and shoots you.
The bullet bounces off a trinket and hits the Easter Bunny.  He falls to the ground and drops his gun.
You look around to see if there are any witnesses, when you don't see anyone, you throw Easter eggs as his face and drive away.
You stole:
Mistletoe - value $30
Silver Candelabra - value $20
Gold Goblet - value $50
Green Crown with Red Glass - value $35
You go to the pet store to buy a bet for your girlfriend. You see the Easter Bunny working his second job at the pet store despite his grave injury. He tells you that he needs the money, but he also really likes working with animals.
You remind him that he IS an animal.
"You know what I mean," He says.
"I don't know what to get my girlfriend. She likes rabbits."
He suggests a bunny, and you think that's a great idea.
You decide to buy the Easter Bunny. He says that he comes with a cage, food, and a house. You pay $200 for the rabbit.
"Thanks, man. I really appreciate this," He says.
It's Christmas morning and your girlfriends opens up her present and the Easter Bunny hops out. She loves him and decides to name him Peter Cottontail.
The rabbit screams, "MY NAME IS MORRIS!"
You yell at the rabbit, "Shut up! You're ruining Christmas!"
"How would you like it if I took you away from your family and made fun of you in front of everyone?" The rabbit says.
Your daughter starts crying and calls you an animal trafficker.  You never see her again.
The end.
Years later you see a headline in the newspaper that your daughter has married Morris the Easter Bunny in a huge Vegas ceremony.
You later found out that the whole thing was a set up and they have lived out their lives in bliss on an Easter Egg farm in Oregon.
To heal your relationship with your daughter, you find the Easter Bunny's family. They are meth addicts in Ohio.  You apologize and make amends with everyone involved.
You still have a criminal record, but you are able to get a job at the post office.
You ask what was on your criminal record and the local police stations turns the computer around and you see your crime printed on the screen:
"Possession of an illegal pet and animal cruelty."
The moral of the story: Crime doesn't pay... but it makes for a good Christmas story.