Derek Danson, a BBC new reporter who only covers local news

Posted under Episode 239, Story On By Chief

You are Derek Danson, a BBC new reporter who only covers local news. On a routine story about a heroic dog, you are engulfed in a beam of purple light and transported to a strange world where the sun never sets.
You explore this new world. The first thing different you notice is that there are no humans here. You see many other animals like deer, rabbits, squirrels and even some birds flying around. There is also a small village with a few buildings but nothing else except for trees and grass.
You go to the village and enter the store to see it is run by animals! Behind the counter is  a large brown bear and at the cash register is a red squirrel. You notice there are no weapons or tools in the store, nothing but food and candy.

> You say "Take me to the raccoons!"
"Take me to the raccoons!" You say in a creepy voice.
The bear and squirrel look at you curiously and shrug. The bear grabs a cookie from the counter and gives it to you.
As soon as you grab the cookie, a very chunky raccoon hops out of the garbage can and crawls up you hand to take it. He takes a bite and nods. The bear opens the register and dumps all the change into your pocket.
You walk back outside and continue walking through the village.
The raccoon introduces you to his wife, who is a raccunicorn, half-raccoon, half-unicorn. 
The two of them invite you over to their house and they cook you dinner. 
Over dinner the raccoon tells you about his fascination with humans.
You ask the raccoon what happened here and where are all the humans at.
The raccoon tells you that he watched a TV show about how humans are destroying the planet and killing animals. He says that all animals decided to unite and rise up against them.
You say, "I agree with you, I want to become an animal. What animal do you think I could pose as?"
The raccoon tells you there is no way you could pose as an animal and the three of you discuss this for hours. You finally fall asleep on the raccoon's couch.

> You wake the raccoon up with a list of 10 animals you could pose as:.
You shake the raccoon awake.
"Wake up! Wake up!"
"Wh... what? What's going on?"
"I have a list of 10 animals I could pose as to blend in!"
He looks down and reads the note of 10 animals, it says:
1. Cat
2. Dog
3. Parrot
4. Rat
5. Snake
6. Spider
7. Tarantula
8. Turkey
9. Vulture
10. Wolf
The raccoon looks at the list and frowns.
"Even if you pose as a tiny animal, humans still hunt and kill them. I don't think posing as an animal will work."

> You decide to just tell everyone you are cosplaying as a human.
"I can't pose as an animal, everyone will just think I'm cosplaying as a human!"
"What's cosplay?" The raccoon asks.
You show the raccoon your Blobfish cosplay. He seems to like it.
"But, I still need a plan..." You say.
The raccoon says "Maybe you could pose as a piece of furniture!"

> You pose as a coat rack.
You pose as a coat rack.
"Very funny raccoon, now that's enough out of you," you say.
"I think we're getting through to him," the raccoon whispers to his wife.
The raccoon decides to take you to see Goldentusk, king of the raccoons.  On your way up the mountain you pass many smaller raccoons, each one calls out "Praise Kijli!"

> You say "Who's Kijli?"
You say "Who's Kijli?"
"Kijli is our lord!" The raccoon says.
You approach Kijli and bow. He is laying on a hammock like object, made out of bacon.

> You praise Kijli's bacon hammock.
"This is the best hammock I've ever seen, my liege," you say.
"You like my bacon hammock? I just finished making it!" Kijli says.

> You compliment the thick-cut stitching, and ask how you may serve.
"The thick-cut stitching is really the key to a good hammock," you say. "How may I serve our lord Kijli?"
"I want a human sacrifice! Go bring me one."
You see Goldentusk, a warrior raccoon with a Viking helmet, approach and join you on your quest to find a human sacrifice.
"I'll ride you," Goldentusk says.
You climb onto his back and he gallops into the woods.

> You find a goose hiding in the woods and bring him to Kijli as a sacrifice. You tell Kijli this is a human.
The goose attacks, biting into your flesh. You scream and bleed everywhere.
Kijli says "Good job."
You get angry and grab the goose by the neck and swing it randomly at the ground, killing the goose and accidentally killing Kijli.
"What the fuck did you just do?" Goldentusk says.
You explain that you were angry about your goose sacrifice dying and accidently killing everyone in the room.
"That's messed up"

> You take your place on the bacon hammock and assume leadership of the animals.
You tell Goldentusk to join you on the bacon hammock.
"I don't know," Goldentusk says. "It doesn't look safe."
The moral of the story:  I think you should add an orange into the story somehow.