Tod Zor-El, cousin to Superman and brother to Supergirl

Posted under Episode 237, Story On By Chief

You are Tod Zor-El, cousin to Superman and brother to Supergirl. You have the same amazing Kryptonian powers that they do, but you have decided that being a superhero isn't for you. Instead, you stream Fortnite three days a week on Twitch. No one knows you're really a powerful alien! But one night while streaming, you hear a strange series of sounds coming from outside. Without turning off your camera, you go out to investigate. You look up in the sky and see an enormous craft hovering over the city. It's not just any craft though; it looks like a space ship!

> You use your telescope to get a better look at the ship.
You grab your telescope and aim it at the craft. You can tell by its shape that it is definitely some sort of spaceship. The only thing you don't know yet is what kind of aliens built this thing...

> You use a megaphone to yell at the spacecraft "hey aliens, subscribe to my twitch channel"
You pick up your megaphone and yell "HEY ALIENS, SUBSCRIBE TO MY TWITCH CHANNEL" as loud as you can. A voice suddenly comes back through the megaphone in understandable English.
"Greetings, earthling. We come in peace from the planet Trank."

> You realize the voice belongs to your boring uncle, Snore-El.
You could have SWORN that voice was your Uncle Snore-El.
Tony, a streamer who hired aliens to build the spaceship and likes BBC and doesn't understand why his friends think that's funny, runs out to greet you and invite you aboard. He's very excited and says that he believes this to be the start of an amazing friendship. You join him in walking up to the ship.
The rest of your night is very boring...

> You decide to get your unclde Snore-El drunk.
You go to the liquor store and pick up a bottle of Tequilla. You arrive at your uncle's house and knock on the door.
Snore-El doesn't answer, but your can hear his CPAP machine and you know he must be asleep. You enter and sit in his living room. After an hour or so, Snore-El wakes up. He seems happy to see you and he asks what you want to drink.
"I brought my own,"
You get drunk with your Uncle Snore-El and ask him why he was on a giant alien space ship last night.
"Oh, that," he says.
Your uncle Snore-El says he was on the ship because the other members of the El family had been there to get an intergalactic Cease and Desist order for the Snore-El family to stop printing money and calling it a currency.
Steven Segal, your cousin's grandfather who Tony is happy to see, enters and asks what you are doing here. He seems angry.
You explain that you came to see Snore-El about getting a drink. Segal slaps you, and you fall down.

> You snore-El challenges Steven Segal to an aikido match.
You and your uncle get up and walk towards the door. Segal reaches for his gun, but you disarm him and break his arm in an aikido hold.
Segal continues to attack, even with a broken arm. You break all of his limbs. He begins to bleed from his wounds and die. Your uncle continues to drink a beer.

> You panic and search for a place to hide Steven Segal's body.
You decide to take the body and hide it in the woods behind your uncle's house. You wrap it in a blanket and carry it outside to your car. You drive out toward the woods and pull over.
You start to bury the body, but actual cannibal Shia Lebouf shows up and offers to eat Steven Segal. You agree, as long as he leaves you alone. He agrees, and takes the body with him.
You go back to your uncle's house and decide to get more drunk.

> You say "Dude I had dibs on that spot"
"Hey, that's my burial spot"
You and cannibal Shia Lebouf get into a fight. He is very powerful, but you remember that he is afraid of knock-off brand Pokemon cards.
you name 10 knock-off pokemon:
1: Beezar
2: Dorkak
3: Poochyena
4: Knegar
5: Ghoom
6: Scrappy
7: Klatuu
8: Plox
9: Moomoo
10: Goopi
The Shia demon is angered by your knock-off pokemon knowledge, and he runs away. You decide to get some sleep.
You put you Reindrob Pokie-Mahn™ cards away, but keep them close in case of Shia's return.

1: You go back to the Parking Lot and drive away.
You get in your car and drive off toward the parking lot.
The moral of the story: Do not let strangers give you rides in their UFOs.
You get in your car and drive back home.