James Blonde, James Bonds older, blonde brother

Posted under Episode 236, Story On By Chief

You are James Blonde, James Bonds older, blonde brother. You are also a MI6 agent. Your mission should you accept it is: to infiltrate the organization known as The Syndicate of the Crimson Talon. This group has been causing problems for your family's business ever since your father was killed by one of their members.

> You visit Tony, a hot-haired individual who doesn't like your blonde hair. Tony gives you the following 10 items for your mission:.
10) A small bottle of whiskey
11) A pack of cigarettes
12) An old pair of jeans (The size that fit you perfectly when you were young and strong enough to wear them)
13) A blue t-shirt with a picture of Che Guevara on the front
14) A lighter from an unknown brand of cigarettes, but you think they're called "Kools"
15) Brown leather jacket
16) Black sneakers
17) Lots of money (that you don't really need)
18) A book entitled "Highway Code"
19) A bottle of Vodka
20) A picture of you and your father when you were young.
You create a ball of random garbage and throw it through the window in to the secret organization. The window smashes into pieces as the garbage flies into the room, straight into the lap of a middle-aged man.
He looks up and glares at you.

> You realize the man is Director Cannon, a veteran agent who hates loose cannons.
He doesn't say anything, he just glares at you as if he is trying to kill you with his eyes.
You know you are in trouble and you prepare yourself for the consequences of your actions.
You lean in for a kiss.
"What?" you ask.
"You think this is funny?" he asks in a low voice.
"No," you reply.

> You ask Director Cannon to quote his favorite line from "Highway Code"
"The license, the registration, or any evidence that links this vehicle to the crimes you are trying to pin on me," he says.
"Go on..."
"NO!" he replies angrily.
Director Cannon gives you a pistol that once belonged to your father and says "In case of emergency"
You look at the pistol and then back to the director. You think he's trying to tell you to kill yourself.
"Killing yourself is not an option," he says.

> You say "Can you read my mind, Director? I dare you to do it now!"
"Yes, I can read your mind. You really think I care if you kill yourself?"
"What the hell do you want? why did you call me in here?" you shout.
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes! I want to know why I was dragged in here like a criminal by your two goons."
"You call them goons, but I trained them.
you imagine the 10 foulest things to gross out the Director:
1) You imagine the head goblin from "Harry Potter" shitting into a tube.
2) You imagine a mixture of worms, centipedes and cockroaches pouring out of your asshole.
3) You imagine a dog licking a black guys asscrack.
4) You imagine a fat man in a speedo.
5) You imagine someone slamming their dick in a car trunk repeatedly.
6) You imagine someone getting fucked by a horse ham sandwich.
7) You imagine someone vomiting a mixture of live frogs, snakes and rats.
8) You imagine someone giving birth to a kid that came out with three heads and four arms.
9) You imagine someone having a sexual relationship with their mom.
10) You imagine someone having sexual relationship with your sister.
The director begins to get angry...
"I don't have time for your childish games! Just get out of my office!" he shouts.
You start to leave and you bump into your brother, James Bond, eating a horse ham sandwich.
"Hey, this looks good."
"James! Why are you eating a horse ham sandwich?"
"I dunno, I got a sudden craving for it." James says.
"Whatever, I'm leaving,"

> You enlist Paul Blart, a fat man in a speedo, and you gain weight to match his physique.
You decide to enlist the help of a fat man in a speedo. You order a huge meal from the cafeteria to fatten yourself up.
your meal contains the following 10 items:
The next day, you meet the fat man in a speedo. He is too busy eating chips to be bothered with you.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll help," he says.
You and Paul Blart going on a secret spy mission at the local mall food court. You are too busy eating Sbarros to realize the mall is being robbed.
"Hey, I love Sbarros," you say.
"Fuck, I forgot my glasses. I can't see the thieves," you say.
"I'll go ask someone for help."

> You while walking to get your glasses, you accidentally trip the head of the Syndicate of the Crimson Talon. He is knocked out.
You accidentally trip over the foot of the head of the Crimson Talon and he is knocked out. He drops a keychain with various keys.
"I knew I should've gotten contacts," says the Syndicate head.
you grope for the keys but grab something else: his dick. He screams like a little girl. You quickly realize what you grabbed and let go.
Paul Blart sees the Syndicate retreated and tell you that you are a hero and promotes you to "Head of Mall Security".
"Holy shit. I'm head of mall security," you say.
You make it official by putting on a fancy suit and polishing your badge.
You wear you Zoot Suit and collect your award, but you are sad to see your brother and father are not in the audience.
"It's OK, I'm sure they are proud of me," you say to yourself.
You get a cell phone and call your mom and tell her that you are now head of mall security.
Your Mom says she is proud of you and hangs up the phone.
"(Sigh) I got to find a wife."
The moral of the story: Your mom is a whore.