Matt Menard, heir to the Menards fortune

Posted under Episode 233, Story On By Chief

You are Matt Menard, heir to the Menards fortune. You have just inherited control of the company after your father's death. You have been waiting for this moment for years, and now it's time to put your grand plans into action! The store's future, and its legendary jingle, are in your hands! You pick up the phone to make your first demand. 


The voice on the other end sounds very familiar. It's that annoying female announcer who has been blaring her music all day long at every possible opportunity.
in big balloon letters you imagine her name: "THE MENARDS COMPANY!"

"Yes, I am Mr. Menard."

"I'm calling about my favorite jingle...
You met with the company lawyer, Mort Biffifty, who is handling your father's will and estate. Mort shows you your father's collection of unpaid bills and taxes, which is staggering large.  Your father apparently had a gambling problem, which is what led to the creation of the Menards jingle in the first place.
You discover the estate was built on an ancient indian burial ground.  Although the land was worth a fortune, it also came with a curse. The jingle was meant to appease the angry spirits. Instead it lead to massive success and the destruction of the indian burial ground.
Mort tells you that you must write a new jingle to break the curse.  The old jingle is "Tune of the day" on the local radio station, and you have a meeting with the president of the company at the Menards store tomorrow.
"What was that about?"
You tell Cory Feldman, president of Menards, that you are writing a new jingle to get rid of the store poltergeist.
"It doesn't work like that," he tells you. "The jingle has to be original. There are no substitutes."
You are not very creative and you decide to turn to Fiverr to find an musician to help you create a new Menard's jingle. You find a number of musicians advertising their services.
You find one you really like, his name is Tom Waits. He has great reviews and has made jingles for other companies before.
You hire him to write a new Menard's Jingle.
After smoking 1,000 cigarettes in one day, Tom Waits play the jingle for you. 
Cory loves the jingle. "I'll get this on the air right away," he beams.
The next day you have a series of meetings with the store's advertising team.
Reggie Watts also auditions for the new jingle, his jingle goes like this:
The next day you have a series of meetings with the store's advertising team.
"That was absolutely horrible," says Cory, "I'm sorry, but we're going with Tom Waits' jingle."

> You break the news to Reggie Watts, who does not take it well.
Reggie can't understand how you would break your promise to him. He threatens to kill both of you and disappears for a day. You call the police, but they don't seem to be doing anything about finding him.
You love the jingle, but you can't quite make out the lyrics. You ask Tom and she shows you the lyrics on a piece of paper:
"I wrote this jingle, it's a hell of a tune. Go buy some salt and lime at your Menards store."
As you sing the jingle, the poltergeist leaves the store. 
The next week you get a call from the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra. They want to play your jingle as part of their next symphony concert!
The moral of the story: sometimes the easy way is the right way.