Kool-aidenstien, a mad scientist living in Pennsylvania

You are Kool-aidenstien, a mad scientist living in Pennsylvania. You want to splice the genes of a man into your favourite drink and your namesake Kool-aid. Your work is going well until you accidentally release an alien from a space ship that crashed on Earth.

> You chase the alien down the street as your neighbors stare.
You run out of the house and catch up with the alien. He has just escaped from his spaceship when he sees you. "I thought I was so clever!" he says.
The alien tells you his name is Count Spatula the Vampire Utensil. You ask him if can help you with your gene splicing experiment and he enthusiastically says yes.
You let Count Spatula into your house and help him out of his ship. The two of you head to the lab where you'll finish splicing your genes into Kool-aid.

> You enter the splice-a-tron and nod at Count Spatula, who throws a switch.
There's a huge flash, and when your eyes recover you see Count Spatula laying on the floor in a coma. "What happened?" he asks.
You rush to to a mirror and see that you're a floating brain in a jar. Count Spatula was too stupid to follow simple procedure, and spliced your genes into the Kool-aid without putting them in another living creature first.

> You blurble angrily "you fool, change me back immediately!"
Count Spatula can't hear you. He picks up the jar and shakes it, but then he drops it and it smashes on the floor.
You are dead.
You brain slides into the drain and lightning strikes the sewers bring you back to life. You are now a zombie. This is the best story ever.

> You encounter Count Spagula in the sewers. He is watching things unfold while eating a good ol spag bowl with his rat buddies.
You see Count Spatula and you scream "how could you turn me into a zombie!" He replies "I didn't do it on purpose."
You get angry and hit him in the head with his own arm.
Count Grey emerges from the bathroom, he doesn't know why he's here.  He says "i will take a hostage."
Count Spatula says "Let's go to Pizza Hut." and you go. On the way there you are shot by a man with an assault rifle.

> You count Spatula rushes you to the Pizza Hut, where they build a pizza body to hold your brain.
The pizza body is finished and Count Spatula pulls your brain out of its jar and puts it in the body.
You are now a cyborg.
You escape out the back door and pass by the dumpster where you see Count Nook, vampire raccoon pop out of the dumpster. He looks at you and says "where is Count Spatula?"
You for Count Spatula in the trash and see him eating expired pizza that an employee, named Jason, spilled butter on. You pick him up and throw the pizza away. He then says "let's go home."
You and Count Spatula go back to the castle where you are given a gift by Count Grey.
You open the gift and see that it is a sword that is made out of solidified moonlight. Count Grey says "I got it from an Ebay seller."
You give Count Spatula a new name: Count Blade.
You level up and gain the following pizza cyborg powers:
Pizza Vision: The ability to see pizzas in the realm of the living and dead.
Pizza Lord Powers: The ability to give and take away pizza.
Pizza Strength: The ability to be stronger than any mortal or hero in the realm of the living and dead.
Pizza Speed: The ability to move faster than any mortal or hero in the realm of the living and dead.

> You bellow "I have the Pizza!"
You have the Pizza and you are a zombie. You go out on a mission to conquer the realm of the living and dead.

> You do.
The next day you go out on your first mission. Count Spatula, Count Blade, Count Grey, Count Fondue, Count Doney and Count Monterey Jack are with you.
Your first mission is to an island in the Caribbean. You have to land there and take out the pirate king.
You get on the ship and set sail. The wind is strong and you make great time.
On the way to the Caribbean, you encounter and recruit 10 more Counts: Count Chocula, Count Graham, Count Jarvis, Count Weephu, Count Piewacket, Count Plee, Count Muntberg, Count Mauschen, Count Trifle, Count Verhoeven and Count Peanut Butter.
You have an army of 20 vampires led by the greatest vampire who ever lived: Count Spatula.
The ship reaches land and you disembark.
You have an epic battle with Pirates, many pirates and Counts are lost in the fight, but eventually the pirate king is defeated.
You return to Transylvania with all pride. You are awarded many rewards, Count Spatula is also given a sword made out of solidified moonlight.
The moral of the story: Vampires and Pizza are good. Pirates and Moon Cheese are bad.