Mr. Glass, a biologist working in a lab inside his house

Posted under Episode 227, Story On By Chief


You are Mr. Glass, a biologist working in your lab inside your house. You are trying to splice the genetic material of various things, specifically banana and monkey genes and while it is difficult work, you know you will be famous for it.
As you work, someone breaks into your lab and knocks you out. When you wake up, the intruder is gone, your lab is a mess, and your vial of genes is laying next to you, empty. You feel your neck and find an injection site, and you realize that you’ve been injected with the vial and the banana and monkey genes are now inside you.
You try to get up, but you can’t move your body. The only thing you can do is sit there in agony as the world fades away around you.
> You when you wake up, you see that your hands are very hairy.
You awaken from your nightmare. It was just a dream, right?
The sun is shining brightly outside and you are still lying on the ground.
> You try to get out of bed but you cant move, you look over to see a horrifying shape.
You try to move your arms, but you cant. You try to move your legs, but you cant. You even try to move your eyes, but you cant.
The horrifying shape moves and you realize it is you, except much hairier. Your arms and legs have grown thick black hair and ended in vicious claws.
You try to move your eyes to see the rest of your body.
You run to look in the mirror and see you have turned into a gorilla with bananas for fingers.
This can’t be happening.
You wonder if you should get some help, so you try to stand up. You manage to stand up and walk around as a hairy monster.
You see the Kool-Aid Man burst through your bedroom wall and yell, “Oh yeah!” Then, you realize that you are still dreaming, and try to wake up.
As you try to wake up, you hear the Kool-Aid Man say, “Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!”
> You reveal your troubled past to the Kool-Aid Man.
You reveal your troubled past to the Kool-Aid Man, who seems sympathetic.
“I know an animal transformation fetish when I see one!” he says, “I’ll help you find a cure!”
> You drink of the kool-aid man’s primordial soup and begin to transform. You gain the following ten traits:.
You have primordial soup running through your veins.
Your blood is filled with the nutrients essential for plant life.
You gain weight quickly and easily.
Fruits and vegetables nourish you,.
Meat makes you sick to your stomach.
You have a hard time eating artificial foodstuffs.
You are immune to the effects of drunkeness.
Whenever you vomit, it is always a vibrant color.
You feel nauseous around pollution.
Your presence makes flowers grow and the sun to shine brighter.
You have green fingers and a natural affinity to plants.
Due to the combination of these traits, you have a hard time staying focused on your work. You are literally distracted by the world around you.
“You’re useless now!”
> You and the Kool-Aid Man work on a cure in your laboratory.
You work on a cure in your underground laboratory with the Kool-Aid Man and for a while things go well.
However, one night you wake up with a start.
“Whats wrong?” asks the Kool-Aid Man.
You pause for a second and then say, “Nothing.”
You reveal a secret to the Kool-Aid Man.
“When I was a kid, my mom used to force me to drink Kool-Aid.”
“Even though you hated it? That’s rough,” he replies.
Suddenly, you have an idea for the cure to your ailments, you rush to the lab and write the recipe down.
“What was that about?” asks the Kool-Aid Man.
“I think I’ve found a way to cure my ailment,” you reply.
You look at the recipe, you’ll need:
1 cup of primordial soup.
1 whole cow.
1000 lbs of sugar.
100 cups of coffee beans.
20 glasses of cola nuts.
5 cups of milk.
You ask the Kool-Aid Man to donate a cup of his primordial soup. Kool-Aid Man agrees and you start to make the cure.
You mix the ingredients together and just as you finish, there is a knock on the door.
You open the door and see members of the Nobel peace prize committee. You show them your cure and inject yourself to show off the results.
They look amazed and shake your hand.
“You’ll probably win next year’s prize for this,” they say on their way out.
“We should have a party to celebrate,”
> You ask to be considered for the prize this year.
“Do you think I’ll win this year’s prize?” you ask.
Sure,” replies the Kool-Aid man. “We can throw a party to celebrate your success.
You attend the Nobel peace prize ceremony. When they call your name, you go up to get your prize. As you do this, the Kool-Aid man smiles and says, “Good luck.”
The moral of the story: If you can’t beat them, make them join you.
You won the 2015 nobel peace prize for curing narcolepsy.