Brother Martin Halftusk, the high priest of the Goldentusk cult

Posted under Episode 226, Story On By Chief

You are Brother Martin Halftusk, the high priest of the Goldentusk cult. Your savior Goldentusk the 26th, was killed by hunters ten years ago. You seek revenge against the ones responsible with the aid of your racoon obsessed cultists. As you finish a sermon you order your brethren to go out into the night in search of blood. You say goodbye to your wife and son before heading off.

The next morning you wake up early, not because you have anything better to do but just so you can get some sleep before the hunt begins.
You start your hunt and right away find one of the traitors that has a bum leg. He tries to run but you easily catch him. His eyes widen when he sees who it is. "What? I thought we were supposed to be working together!" He says while trying to shake your hand.

> You say "There are no teams," as you pierce his lung with a ceremonial golden tusk. "
You stab his lung, leaving him to wheeze on the floor. "It was foolish to believe otherwise." You say as you continue the hunt.
You through the forest and come across an enemy camp, they are asleep. You decide to strike.
You charge forward, stabbing a man in the chest. Two others grab their guns and try to shoot you. You roll out of the way as the bullets hit the ground.
You look at the bodies you have stabbed, they were already dead. It is a trap! A giant four armed robot descends from the trees and attacks you and your men. You grab the closest gun and start shooting. A jet of flame hits one of your men in the arm and sets him alight, he runs around screaming before a laser beam cuts him in half.

> You slide between the robots seven legs, and get to an access panel on the rear of the robot. you begin to take control of the robot.
You crawl under the robot, but you are spotted by one of the pilots. A bullet rips through your right arm, and you yelp in pain.

> You patch your wound with a copy of Tony and Oprah's sex tape.
A robot tends to the wound with some duct tape. It seems to work, you survive.
You stay in control of the robot until all enemies are dead.
You name the robot "Mihrab" after a machine in an ancient movie you once saw.
You take control of surviving enemies and have them dig a hole in the ground.
One of the men is Cory, a guy who is wearing recyclable toilet paper, he smell disgusting. He screams "You are my lord, I will follow you till the end!"
You slaughter him and his family and burn their house down.
The fire is very intense, because Cory's house was filled with toilet paper. The fire spreads throughout the village. 
The fire is very intense, because Cory's house was filled with toilet paper. The fire spreads.  You watch as the entire village burns, filled with screams. You sit there, smoke and ashes covering your body.
You feel a little, so you make a grave using some sticks and pavers. You put the names of everyone who died into the grave. You weep, as you fill it with dirt.
The next day a squad of robots come to your house and arrest you for murder.
You decide to reprogram the robots for hot robot sex. One of the many reasons for your arrest.
You spend one year in jail before being executed.
You lean in for kiss with your robot prison guard. He does not kiss back.
You scream for the guard to shoot you in the face, but he doesn't. The prisoners laugh at you as you die.

> You clink your cup against the laser bars to annoy the robot guards.
The robot guards give you a dirty look.
You die of starvation.
The moral of the story: Zombies aren't scary, robots guarding a food source and ignoring your pleas for help are scary.