Mr. Romantic, a guy who’s feeling lovesick

Posted under Episode 224, Story On By Chief

You are Mr. Romantic, a guy who's feeling lovesick. You haven't had a girlfriend in a while, so you go to the mall and search for a charming woman. You see a blonde-haired woman in a green dress walk by. You like her, so you want to get her attention. You buy flowers and a box of chocolates and throw them near her. The woman trips over the box of chocolates and falls to the ground. A chubby guy comes by and takes the chocolates. He looks at you with contempt and says "I don't need any chocolates." Then he walks away.

> You help the woman up and offer her a chocolate.
You pick the woman up and put her on your lap. She is very light, but strong. You feel that she has a nice body. As you hold her, you say "This is my wife."
You tell the woman you have an infinite supply of porn and chicken wings if she just says yes to your marriage proposal. She punches your nose and says, "Screw yourself, you disgusting asshole." You feel blood dripping from your nose.
You decide to go home.

> You knock on her door with some of your porn and a romantic spaghetti dinner.
You put on some romantic music and turn the lights off. You knock on the door. When the woman opens the door, she's shocked to see you. She says, "I didn't order a pizza."

> You say "Good, because I didn't bring a pizza."
After a few moments of silence, the woman says, "Um... no, I don't want to buy anything."
You lean in for a kiss desperately. The woman pushes you away and slams the door.
You decide to go home.
You see the patio door is unlocked and let yourself into her home. You start plating the spaghetti and open a bottle of wine. You turn on the television to a romantic comedy and dim the lights. You make yourself comfortable and wait for the woman.
The woman comes home and is shocked to see you waiting for her.
You get up to rush and give her a hug, but you slip on some spaghetti sauce you spilled earlier. You trip and slide into her legs, causing her to fall down. Your head slams against the coffee table, causing severe head wounds.
She calls an ambulance while you bleed out of your head and pass away.
You find a note of 10 ways to revive the USSR, it reads:
1) NOVICHOK KILLS FOREVER
2) RUSSIA IS A GRAND MAFIOSO
3) VLADIMIR PUTIN IS MY LIFE PARTNER
4) RUSSIA CAN'T AFFORD PRESIDENTS
5) THE MAIN CURRENCY IS GRAY
6) WE ARE NOT THE EAST ENEMY
7) A NATION OF PSYCHO KILLERS
8) THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOLERANCE
9) NOVORUSSIANS NEVER SURRENDER
10) THE WORLD WILL LISTEN TO US SOMEDAY
Due to your death the newspaper reads 'Man dies in freak accident'

> You your body is flown to Russia, where you are reanimated by NovoRussians.
You wake up in a cold, metal table. You feels a strange sensation all over your body. It almost feels like rubberbands are being stretched on your bones.
You get up, but you slip and slide and bounce everywhere. You have a lot more trouble getting around than you used to. Your brain feels a little mushy in your head and your vision seems different than it used to. Where am I? You think. I'm not dead. I can tell because... well, my mind is working.
Doctor Yakov Smirnoff comes in and says, "In Russia, Doctor is you." You are surprised to find that this man can understand you.
"Who are you?" You demand.
"I am who," he says, confused by your hostility.
"What have you done to me?"

> You yakov says "in Russia, you is reanimated."
"What have you done to me?"
"We make you better. Stronger, faster, longer lasting, more brain, good health! You is improved!"
"I'm a zombie!
You start to rapidly gain weight, 600 lbs to be exact, when you feast on human flesh and inflate into a rubber band ball. You headbutt the doctor, causing him to fly across the map and hit the wall. He is not killed by this, but he is severely injured.
You feel terrible for becoming a monster, so you drink an extra-large bottle of extra strong vodka to drown your extra big sorrows. Unfortunately, this has the side-effect of exposing your innards to the air, which quickly rot. You collapse on the floor and die, only to rise again as a weaker and slower zombie.
The moral of the story: don't use alcohol to try to solve your problems.
You are trapped in a zombie's body. You want to be human again, so you decide to kill the man who did this to you.