Mr. Schemer, buried friend alive because he did not get “the talk”

Posted under Episode 223, Story On By Chief

You are Mr. Schemer, a guy who thinks that people can be born by burying a live person in the ground. You grab your friend, Johnny, and start using a shovel so you can dig a big hole to put him in. Johnny nervously asks, "What are you doing?" You reply, "Don't worry, old friend. When I take you out of the hole, your kids will grow out of the ground." You put Johnny in the hole and bury him alive. You leave him there for a few weeks. When you dig Johnny up, you realize he died.

Now what do you do? Do you go back to your normal life or do something else with your life?

> You put Johnny back in the ground and walk away, whistling.
"Johnny! What the hell are you doing?! Get out of here!"

You turn around and whistle at Johnny as he runs off.
You are scared and grab a shovel and a pick axe. You see Johnny scaling up the mausoleum and try to chase him. You fall and hit your head. When you get up, you are covered in blood.
You try to run away, but you trip and hit your head again. You bleed out and die.

> You turn into a fast zombie. You chase after fast zombie Johnny.
You chase Johnny into a graveyard. You see him run away, screaming for mercy. He screams for you to help him. You reach out for him...
You have found your first victim...
"Hahaha! Thank you, friend! I was starving! Let's go find more survivors!"
You see a bunch of goths with Hot Topic clothes "dancing" under and overpass and drinking pig's blood. You and Johnny decide to attack them.
"Hell yeah! We get to wear their clothes!" You cheer as you head out towards the goths.
"HAHAHA! Let's dance, fiends!"
Tony, a guy with a dark sense of humor, who buried his friend Cory in a giant bucket, throws his giant goth pants at you and Johnny.  You put on the pants and realize that they make you faster! You hear, "Hey! Where did Johnny go?"
"Ha, ha. Made you look!"
You see Johnny and the Goth's drive off in a car. With your new pants, you are able to catch up to them on the freeway. You see Johnny pull out a flame thrower from the back of the car.
"Ha, ha! I will burn you into submission!"
You jump on the car and try to bite Johnny.
You take a big chunk out of Johnny's arm causing him to drop the flamethrower and catch the car on fire. You laugh a lot.
The car drives off the freeway, into a ditch, and finally crashes into a tree. You get up and laugh at your handy work. The people in the car are either dead or dying.

> You begin to feast.
You begin to eat the survivors when you hear a yell. "RRRRAAAAGH!"
You turn around and see a zombie. You look around and see that there are THOUSANDS of zombies coming for you.
You laugh and eat your way out.
"Ha, ha! Let's see you kill me now! Come at me!"
The zombies chew your limbs off and eat your torso. You laugh until the end.

> You get new limbs from other zombies and keep eating.
You get new limbs and keep eating.
You have been bitten by zombies before, so you know that "getting a shot" will not work. You try to keep ahead of the infection and keep your strength up.

> You drink Jim's kombucha to keep the infection at bay.
You knock on the door of Jim's house. A woman answers the door.
"What's kombucha?"
The woman explains that kombucha is a type of tea which has many health benefits.
You ask the woman who she is and how she knows Jim. The woman explains that she is Jim's wife. She explains that he has been dead for months and that you were one of his friends.
"It's you! I recognize you! How have you been?"

> You realize the woman is Jim in disguise.
"Really? I had no idea! I'll be heading out now."
You begin to back away from the house. The woman explains that they are having a costume party soon and that you should come.
You show up to the party and everyone compliments you on the perfect zombie costume.  You dance the night away.
You have many dances in your repertoire, some of the dances you do:
The Slow-song Guido, The Grandfather Claps, and the Dance of the Three Tomatoes.
You have fun at the party and really feel like you are in your old life again.
You find Jim's wife aka Jim in the kitchen and lean in for a kiss. She is surprised at first, but after a couple of seconds she begins to kiss back. You imagine she must be really horny if she is kissing a man who looks identical to her husband.
You stumble into the bedroom and accidentally trip over something protruding out from under the bed, it is a dead body. You yell out "Shit!" and hide under the bed. You try to calm yourself down, but then hear footsteps getting closer to your hiding spot.
You nervously eat the entire body.
You think to yourself "He was a good friend, he will be missed."
The next morning, the news comes on.
The moral of the story: "If you drink too much kombucha, you will eat your friends."