Bryan Wells, an actor whose been typecast as B-movie monsters

Posted under Episode 222, Story On By Chief

You are Bryan Wells, an actor whose been typecast as B-movie monsters. One day you wake up to find that you're in one of your old movies. It was about a group of people trapped in a house and you had to kill them all before they killed each other.

> You down for breakfast and try to see if anyone is killing anybody.
You grab the nearest person and start eating. The first thing you notice is how delicious their food tastes. Then you realize it's not just the taste, but also how good they smell.
Everyone rushes to the kitchen to see you chomping away at poor Kevin. After a few moments they start shouting at you, but you just ignore them.
Barbara grabs a cleaver off the kitchen counter and charges at you. You horse kick into the basement. Barbara's cleaver flies out of her hand, but her necklace and head stay intact. You swallow the key and kick the door shut behind you.
Everyone gets mad at you for kicking Barbara. 
Everyone gets mad at you.  You decide it would be better to leave and wander upstairs.
You lock yourself in your room and see that Peter and Linda are having sex in your bed, used condoms are splayed out all over the room. You get dressed and wait for them to finish.
"You're still here?" asks Peter, peeking his head out the door.

> You yell at Peter for having sex in your bed.
"That's it, I'm leaving" you say.
After a few moments you realize they are not chasing after you, so you head to the front door. You step outside and...
Barbara's husband Gunther attacks you. He's killed Barbara and he's coming for you. You need to escape or kill him before he kills you.
You also need to find a new place to live and some food.

> You push Gunther off the porch. He lands awkwardly and breaks his neck.
With his broken neck, Gunther does not get up. You run off into the night.
You manage to find a house with no one in it and spend the night there.

> You start hearing mysterious noises from the basement of the house. They sound like a dead animal moaning.
You are finding it harder and harder to get food. You consume a lot more human flesh than the others and also take more risks in hunting.
You decide to make some traps.
You make a bunch of traps: pit falls, snares, and paints cans on a strip with spikes shoved in it.
You check them every day and catch a few squirrels, but never anything big.
Finally, you go out to feed and see that someone has destroyed all your traps.
You are very hungry and very mad.

> You decide to set human traps.
You go to some warehouses and set up camp. You wander around in the dark looking for people.
You come across a woman taking out the trash. She looks tasty.
You run up to her and lean for a kiss.
"What are you doing?" she asks, backing away.
You don't answer, you just bite. She tastes exquisite. She struggles for a moment, but then goes limp. You carry her back to the warehouse and feast.
Later, you find out she was the girlfriend of the head of a street gang.
The head of the gang, Esteban, puts out a contract on your life.  You are attacked by gang members twice and manage to escape.
You decide you need to get out of Mexico while you still can.
You see "Kool And The" spray all over the abandoned buildings in the area and know that is the name of this gang. Esteban has a reputation for being ruthless and you are not going to be able to get through the gang to kill him.
You need to find a better way.
You know Esteban's crucial weakness, it is said he is madly in love with his girlfriend "Melody". Perhaps if you threaten her somehow you can get him to call off the contract on you.

> You kidnap Melody and mail her finger to Esteban. You eat the other fingers.
You kidnap the woman and tie her up in a warehouse. You don't have a car, so you need to figure out how to get an angry bandit to come to you.
You sprinkle a bunch drugs outside and he shows up in 15 minutes. You offer to give him all the drugs you have if he gets you a car. He readily agrees and heads back with you.
"Wow, all this stuff is great" he says, his eyes wide.
"Yeah, I have a bunch more back at my place, come on", you say.
He follows you in and you quickly head butt him and knock him out.
You have Esteban for Thanksgiving dinner.
You feel bad about the girlfriend at first, but you need to survive somehow.
You stay in Mexico for another few months, feeding off rich tourists, but soon your conscience gets the better of you and head north.
The moral of the story: Don't have a conscience, it is not for the likes of you.