Salama Meedik, encountering a muffin eyed creature

Posted under Episode 219, Story On By Chief

You are Salama Meedik, you wake up alone on a couch with a loaded syringe of glittering liquid in your hand and the cap intact. Looking around the room you see spidery symbols scratched into the walls and across from you sits a Tv on a table with a marathon of How Its Made is on. The TV buzzes with static before a figure stumbles out of the closet with voice changing muffins for eyes. He looks directly at you and smiles.
You see the start of something terrible yet strangely wonderful happening to you.
"Don't worry, the worst is over now."
You ask the figure what he is doing in your home. He tells you he feels like you deserve a treat for surviving the past few days and for being so brave. He hands you a card with an address on it before opening a window.

> You ask him politely for one of his muffin eyes.
Your mouth spouts hateful things at him as you gasp for air and writhe in pain on the carpet. He watches you with his mouth agape as he repeats "I don't understand" over and over again.

> You inject yourself with the glittering liquid.
You push the needle into your neck and feel a slight burning sensation as the liquid is injected into you. The burning intensifies as black and white spots appear in front of your eyes.
The pain starts to subside and you wake up Muffineyitus. He holds you in his arms and says it is time for him to leave.
You attempt to ask him why you were chosen but he tells you it isn't important.
Jason, the Sheriff of the MPD: the Muffin Police Department, kicks down the door. His gun holster has two muffins in it.  He points at you and says, "You are under arrest for the unlawful premeditated murder of a woman without an asshole."
Your muffins quiver in fear as he grabs you and puts you in handcuffs.
The Sheriff tells you that you are going to spend a long time in the breadbox for this crime. He says his squad has been working on this for the past few months and they have all the evidence to put you away for good.

> You don't have enough for a lawyer, so you are given a public muffinder.
You wait in line for 3 hours before you see the judge. He tells you that he thinks you are guilty and sentences you to 25 years in prison with no parole.
As you are escorted from the courtroom, you look back and see the Muffin Eyed Man that hid in your closet is in the gallery. You scream at the Judge and point at him that he is the one that did it, not you.
The Sheriff drags you out of the courtroom and you are put into a van headed to your new home.

> You call Suk Madik, your best friend, and tell you've been framed.
You call your best friend, and after 15 rings he answers. You tell him you've been framed for murder and that there's a girl in your room.
Suk Madik goes to your home to look for clues and sees the business card. Suk goes to the address and finds the Muffin Eyed Man. He's there to get revenge for his sister.
They question him and find out that he is indeed the Muffin Eyed Man that killed your girlfriend.
You see a photo on the wall of the Muffin Eyed Man's sister, she has no asshole.
Suk Madik takes the muffin from the Muffin Eyed Man's hand and stabs him to death.
The next day, your lawyers enter a plea of insanity due to grief.
You get out for good behavior and tasty muffins. You call Suk, but get no answer. Worried, you run to his house and find him dead.
The Muffin Eyed Man has killed again.

> You know what you have to do: Find the Muffin Eyed Man and remove his asshole.
You decide to go back to where it all started: the bakery. It's night and you can't be too careful. It takes you an hour before you find it. The lights are off and the door is locked.
You have seen too many horror films to play this game: you burn the bakery to the ground.
Your curiosity gets the better of you and you look in the window. Standing there is a short, pale man with no hair and eyes that are just like you imagined: without irises or pupils.
The moral of the story:  don't burn bakeries to find murderers.