You are David Helmsley, a cousin of an eccentric millionaire. You have been asked to look after your Uncle's 19th century mansion for the weekend. You look forward to a weekend of living the high life when you wake up in the master bedroom to see a woman in period dress standing at the end of your bed. As you enter the Hall to greet her she disappears. You begin to hear strange noises and over the next few hours servants appear to have been running the house. > You call your cousin on the phone, and he tells you there's nobody in the house. You call your cousin on the phone, and he tells you there's nobody in the house. Then he starts screaming at you about waking him up. He hangs up on you... And then the phone line goes dead. You go to the stairs and see the woman again, you lean in for a kiss. She puts her hand on your chest and pushes you away, then walks downstairs. You follow her into the kitchen. The back door is wide open, she steps outside. You hear a knock at the front door, you answer and it is Silvertusk, a Racoon Obsessed man. He tells you your cousin called him and requested his services. He walks through the house, and you remember a tale of the ghost killing a man in the house by ripping his throat out. > You tell your friend Tony about the woman in the dress. He comes over immediately to ask her out. You tell your friend Tony about the woman in the dress. He comes over immediately to ask her out. The ghost disappears, and you hear a loud thump coming from the upstairs bedroom. > You investigate the noise. You look around. Then you hear a growl coming from the living room. Silvertusk is lying in a corner, he has a dagger stabbed into his chest. > You grab a candlestick to arm yourself and cautiously investigate the body. You grab a candlestick to arm yourself and cautiously investigate the body. As you walk into the room, a growling noise comes from above you. You look up to see a Racoon on the ceiling rafters. The Racoon drops from the ceiling and gives you a ticket for an item of your choice of Reindrob Industries. You have now unlocked the ability to buy the Reindrob Miner hat for $350. The racoon tells you it's name is Rook, and that it is an animorte. He explains that the animorte are the ancestors of modern raccoons, tamed by the first living humans and bred for their intelligence. > You "Have you seen the ghost?" "I think I just did" he says, "She was pretty." In the meantime the guy who called you walks off to the left side of the building. You check the right side instead. You put on your new mining hat, turn on the lamp, and see the footprints continue outside. You follow the footprints behind the houses, and into a clearing where they stop. You turn on your floodlight, before realizing the trees around the clearing have been pulled up by the roots. You then lookup to see this is a UFO landing pad, you dodge out of the way and see an alien walk out to greet you. "Greetings human, I am Zee Tee Arr Oh (Or something similar), and you are responsible for the destruction of my forest. Why?" > You say "Me?! You're the one fucking up the forest." "We are careful when landing our ships, and we saw the destruction being caused by the humans" > You say "Listen here Baked Ziti, I didn't destroy anything" "My name is Zee Tee Arr Oh, and YOU are responsible for the destruction of my forest." "The humans cut down trees all the time, you can't do anything to stop them. You slap Zee Tee up side the head with the candlestick. "Now I will grant you three wishes in exchange for my life." You think about your future. A life of mining is one of hard labour, you'd be better off rich. > You say "I wish for Tony to get together with a beautiful lady. " Zee Tee snaps his fingers and a beautiful women comes out of the ship. "You shall spend the rest of your life with this woman, enjoy your new life." > You say "I wish for Rook and his people to have a verdant forest planet to call home" Zee Tee snaps his fingers and the racoon people appear to plant trees. "Thanks to you, the raccoon people are able to call this planet their new home." > You say "I wish for a bigger penis, dealer's choice." Zee Tee snaps his fingers, and the most beautiful women you have ever seen is standing before you, smiling invitingly. "Hello, my name is Kate Upton." > You say "The moral of the story:" "Is that miners are the luckiest sons of bitches in the universe. Also, racoons are pretty cool." "Thank you for being such a good listener, I'll see you later."
David Helmsley, a cousin of an eccentric millionaire
Posted under Episode 218, Story On By Chief