Big Smoke from GTA San Andreas

Posted under Episode 218, Story On By Chief

You are Big Smoke from GTA San Andreas. You are pulling up to the driveway area of Burger King, when a waitress asks what you would like to order. You cough, the new invention of a cinnamon-sprinkled soda making your tongue sting, the surrounding traffic providing the sick instrumental needed for the completion of your request; "Two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda". Fast-forward to one hour later, and your food items have grown faces and are now climbing your limbs! Provide the flashback which explains how this happened, this is now an English essay and you will be graded based on your victories. Each death removes one point, and each positive score adds one point. You start with zero, you need a total score of 100 to graduate the Smokecademy. Once you graduate you get free number 9s, free number 6s, free number 7s, and free number 45s for the rest of your short life. You are Big Smoke from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

How long is a piece of string?

A bus stop at night.
You wait at the bus stop and contemplate why you eat so much. You have no idea. You find yourself eating an apple-flavored nicotine inhaler. Finally, the bus arrives and you get on it. You ride the bus until it ends and then you get off.

> You eat the bus stop.
You eat the bus stop.
The bus stop tastes like battery acid and broken dreams. You feel satisfied in a way that only cannibalism can make you feel. You find yourself in your room.
A detective knocks on your door with a list of missing persons that just happen to ride the same bus route. "Have you seen any of these people?"
You look at his clipboard and simply say "No." The detective leaves as quickly as he arrived. You fall asleep and think about eating more bus stops.
You eat a gallon of cereal and look at the a milk carton that says: "HAVE YOU EATEN THIS PERSON?" You laugh at the milk and fall asleep. The end.

> You wake up in the mirror world. Nosaj,a mirror world Jason, is there to greet you, as is Tsirhc Mij the otherworld Jim Christ.
"What's up guys?"
"Tons." Notsaj says. he's an interesting creature, half man half reflection.
You start to eat the mirror realm. It tastes like strawberries and broken dreams. The three of you spend the next 90 minutes eating the realm.
You get sick of eating and decide to leave, but there is a problem. THERE IS NO DOOR.

> You begin to vomit up a door and take it out of the dream realm, Tsirhc Mij and Nosaj come through with you into the real world.
You wake up in a pile of vomit. You were so hungry when you went to sleep that you ate the door in your dream and woke up to a stomach ache.
You look in the mirror. You have a beard made of mirrors, and you've gained a few pounds. You're nearing 60 years old, but you don't feel it. Your mother walks in the bathroom and sees you.
Your mom shines a flashlight at you and blinds herself. "I'm calling the mirror people, you're the fifth person this week to eat themselves to death."
She calls the mirror people and they send a reflection specialist.
The reflection specialist arrives and tells you...
A) That you need to immediately apply the new "Mirrored Glass" protective coating.
You level up and gain the following obesity related powers:
"Well I'm stuffed, let's find some children that can pass through mirrors and scare them with my beard."
You trap the children in a web of mirrors and vomit. This causes them to have nightmares and die.
You get a knock on the door. It's the police. You open the door and realize you're naked.

> You plead the fat.
You are incarcerated and sentenced to death by firing squad.
The squad fires at you for 38 hours straight, you keep eating though and are unharmed.  The state of California runs out of bullets and has to request more.
You eat the police and media. You are finally stopped when you eat a marine biologist that was in the area. The story goes public and you are stopped when Californians start vomiting up your bullet proof food.
You're remembered forever as The Nothing.
The moral of the story: Be careful where you eat.