Drool, humanoid banana creature

Posted under Episode 216, Story On By Chief

You are a banana, a yellow, slightly bent fruit. Ugly on the outside, but sweet on the inside. On your peel is a sticker with "Drool" written on it, so you guess that must be your name. A mysterious human being is holding you in his hand - you hope he will caress and softly snuggle you. To your terror he is trying to rip off your peel when suddenly something deep inside of you awakes, transforming you into a sentient banana-creature with eyes, mouth, legs, and arms. The human is horrified and throws you onto the kitchen table before running out of the room, screaming from the top of his lungs. You want revenge and...

Your peel is gone. You are standing in a living room of a house, surrounded by huge windows through which the Sun beams in, and... you are so damn bored.

> You search for the man who tried to eat you.
You walk into the next room, and are blinded by the bright sunlight beaming through the windows. You can barely see anything in this room, until your eyes adjust to the light.

> You grab a pair of sunglasses.
You walk over to the table, and find a pair of dark glasses. They are extremely cheap and flimsy, but they'll do.
Jason, the guy who tried to eat you and a beloved streamer and a cool guy, comes back home and tries to talk with you. You have no idea what he's saying, but he seems to be trying to apologize for eating you. You sit down on the couch and watch TV in silence.

> You watch a "how its made" marathon and the next topic is bananas.
The show is about to start, and you are really excited. They are going to talk about the history of bananas and how they are made!

> You see the Gingerbread Man waving at you through the window. He says "Come with me! Join the brotherhood of living food!"
You are really confused. A gingerbread man is waving at you through the window. He seems to understand that you can't go outside.
You ignore the gingerbread man and continue watching TV, you see your parents on the screen and turn off the TV and run outside.
You decide to leave the house and explore the world. You walk outside and the first thing you see is a box turtle. It's not moving!

> You sit on the box turtle and tell it to go!
"OK!" The turtle says. "I'll go!"
Wow! That was really cool! Now you're a turtle too!
You decide to try something else.

> You continue walking outside and the next thing you see is...
A purple squirrel! It's not moving either. You try to pet it, but it doesn't move.
You touch the squirrel, but it remains still.

> You feed the squirrel a peanut.
The squirrel eats it and suddenly comes to life!
"Thanks for the feast, human," The squirrel says. "I am Oaktopus the wise, keeper of all the secrets of nature. Who are you?"

> You say "I am Drool, I am but a humble banana that became a turtle."
"Banana that became a turtle?" Oaktopus says. "I have never heard of such a thing. You are strange, but I sense you mean no harm. Here, this is for you."
He gives you a crystal the size of a golf ball.

> You ask him what the crystal does.
"This crystal holds all of my knowledge," Oaktopus says.
You attempt to smoke the crystal, you see vision: You are seeing the world from a very high vantage point, seeing the entire planet. It's beautiful.
And then you see another planet, one without water, a barren wasteland.

> You smoke more of the crystal, and you see:.
You see the future. Everything is coated in a thick layer of dust, except for the remains of your garden. You recognize nothing else.
You see another planet, one without water, a barren wasteland.
You run out of crystal to smoke and ask Oaktopus for more.
"I'm sorry friend, I gave you all of the knowledge I had," Oaktopus says.
You lean in for a kiss with Oaktopus and tell him you would do anything for more crystal.
"Anything?" Oaktopus asks.
And so you wake up outside, with a broken jaw and no possessions.

> You as you rub your broken jaw, you realize you have been transported to the barren planet.
You have no idea how you got here. You look around and see a lonely hill, with a box turtle on top.
You run over to the box turtle. But as you get closer, it runs away.
You catch up to the box turtle and ask if he has any crystal.
"I don't, but my girlfriend is a crystal merchant. She might," The turtle says. "She's right over there."
The turtle points to the right and you see a blue jay..

> You say "I need some crystal, blue jay. I need it real bad. "
The blue jay flies away.
The box turtle slaps you upside the head and tells you that was a rude thing to do. The blue jay is his girlfriend, not some crystal merchant.

> You look around and realize the barren planet is covered in golf ball sized crystals!
The ground is a mixture of dirt and several different types of rocks. The large rocks range in size from that of a golf ball to that of a basketball. They are colored red, orange, and purple.
You grab a purple crystal and smoke it up.
You feel a sudden burst of enlightenment, followed by a wave of nausea.
Suddenly you are standing in the middle of a classroom. You are sitting next to your crush, Jenny. She's holding your hand.

> You next you smoke the orange crystal.
You feel the effects of the orange smoke crystal as it washes over you.
You are in your bed, next to Jenny, with your pet turtle by your side.

> You ask Jenny why the turtle is in bed with you. She winks.
You look down and realize the turtle is actually Jenny, uncharacteristically without her shirt and kissing you on the neck.
You are about to pet her back when...
You wake up in a new location.
You don't see any crystals, you've smoked them all. You roam around for hours until you finally see a gigantic rainbow crystal the size of a Buick. You smoke the rainbow crystal and see the vision of a lifetime:
The entire planet is destroyed, and you are floating through space.
You watch from the outside as your solar system collapses in on itself, shrinking to a tiny orange dot.

> You smoke it.
You watch as the dot grows larger. You can see figures on the dot, and you can hear voices.
You realize that you are seeing the beginning of time, billions of years ago. The dot is Earth.
The moral of the story: Always bring extra crystals on field trips.