Amit Patel, technical support agent for Reindrob’s Products

Posted under Episode 216, Story On By Chief

You are Amit Patel, technical support agent for Reindrob's Products. You job is to sit in a call center, all day, every day, answering the most inept questions mankind has ever devised. The pay is terrible; but it helps get you through college. You arrive at work one day and no sooner have you put on your headset than the screen in front of you lights up with your first call. The screen indicates that the caller is calling about a problem with Reindrob's EZ Genital Waxing Kit. You sigh and think to yourself, "What did I do to deserve this?" as you reach for the button to connect the caller.

In the next hour alone, you will experience:

The caller who complains that the product does not work, but it is her first time trying it.

The caller who wants to know where the hair is growing you are supposed to wax off of her.

The caller who wants to know how long the results will last. (You lie and say, "Two weeks," just to get her off the phone.
The caller hangs up but calls back two weeks later. You are wearing Reindrob's Bladed Head Set, Mandatory work wear. You answer the phone and hear the shriek of a woman in obvious pain. "You lied!" she screams, "I just now pulled the blade out of my ear! My head is bleeding and my ear fell off!"
You check the warranty and tell her the product is working as intended. She does not hear you and hangs up.

The screen in front of you lights up with another call. The caller wants to know how to make the hair disappear from inside their nose.

> You say "Oh no, the call is coming from inside this office!"
Tragically, this answer does not satisfy the customer. He informs you that he knows the call is coming from inside the office. He demands to know how to make the hairs disappear from inside his nose.

> You say "Light a match and stick it up your nose."
Tragically, this answer does not satisfy the customer. He informs you that he knows the match is coming from inside the office. He demands to know how to make the hairs disappear from inside his nose.
Dr. Reindrob, your boss. "I have a revenge plan for the AIPD" he says.  He looks at you expectantly.
You panic, you forgot to come up with an elaborate revenge plot due to lack of sleep, you make one up on the spot and tell him...
He smiles at you knowingly and shakes his head. He explains his real plan to you...
You look at him horrified, "That's insane!"
He shrugs and says: "Well I guess we'll find out!
You tell him your plan, it goes like this:
The AIPD agents will use a listening device to spy on the customer.
However the customer will be able to hear everything the agent says, and vice versa.
You give your plan to Dr. Reindrob, and he smiles. He tells you that it is brilliant. The customer will see how stupid the agent sounds when they ask ridiculous questions.
"The future of joke simulators is here!"

> You ask the simulator to tell you a joke.
Dr. Reindrob loves M.C. Escher, so he uses the same techniques in his artwork for the software that powers the simulator.
The simulator prints out 10 more jokes:
Q. What's the difference between a duck?
A. A duck.
Q. What do you call a serious joker?
A. Sir.
Q. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 7 8 9.
Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An impasta.
Q. What do you call a priest in the water?
A. A faith healer.
Q. How does a witch tell the time?
A. With a cauldron.
Q. What do you call cheese that is cursed?
A. A Stinky.
Q. How does a witch tell the time?
A. With a cauldron.
You hear the alarms go off and you see an error message printed off the joke machine: ALERT: JOKE CORE OVERLOAD. MELTDOWN IMMINENT!  Please evacuate immediately.
"I can explain," says Dr. Reindrob desperately, staring at the machine as if willing it to work.
You ignore him and run for the door.
You run outside and look back to see the building launch into space leaving behind a giant fart cloud.
The next week you get a letter from Dr. Reindrob saying he landed in Norway, and he's planning on visiting Scotland.

> You travel to Norway to meet up with Dr. Reindrob.
Dr. Reindrob's space building landed in a Norwegian forest.
You sit and wait outside the Oslo Airport MegaTerminal because Norway is too expensive for you right now.
You have a meeting with Dr Reindrob, he tells you his new plan. He wants to meet the trolls and sprites living in Norway's forests.
"I want to meet the sprites that live in Norwegian forests." he says, with a twinkle in his eye.
"Why?" you ask.
"They're magical creatures. They can do magic." he answers.
Dr Reindrob active R31N-DRO8, A giant robot created to destroy everything, to clear the forest and make it easier to walk around in.
"That's unnecessary," you say.
"Oh yes, it is." He takes out his notebook and starts writing in it.
"What are you doing?" you ask.
He shows you the book.
The book is filled with drawings of dicks and nothing else. 
The book is filled with drawings of dicks and nothing else.
"It's a magical forest, there's sprites and trolls," you say.
"You mean like this?"
You have a large town hall with all the angry trolls and sprites that just had their homes destroyed.
You call Dr. Reindrob into the room with the angry trolls and sprites. You sit down and try to clear things up.
"So, as you all know, the robot destroyed part of your home." Dr. Reindrob starts, "I want to fix that."
A large, muscular sprite stands up.
"That's great and all, but you destroyed part of our home. You need to rebuild it."
Dr. Reindrob says he will rebuild the homes if the sprites and trolls share their magic with him. 
"Why would we do that?" asks a troll.
"Because, I'm a doctor."
The trolls and sprites think for a while, and start leaving the room one by one.
The mech destroys them one by one as they leave the town hall.
"We need to do something," you say, "They're leaving!"
"I know," says Dr. Reindrob, "They're going back to their homes."
"And?
The moral of the story: Trolls and sprites are magical creatures.