Ughson, a caveman

You are Ughson, a caveman in the land before times when dinosaurs were still roaming the world. Your wife Tonguhh bellows to you "Ugh ogh agga!", which means that you need to get out and hunt some food. You grab your wooden spear and head out into the forest. Suddenly you hear a rumbling sound behind you and when you turn around you see... 	You and Tongueh have a happy life together, after lots of hunting and gathering you have a child which you name Hugga. One day when you are out hunting you see... 
You are enjoying your life with Tongueh until one day a group of cavemen come and take her away! You try to stop them but they hit you over the head with a rock and knock you out.
When you regain consciousness you realize you have a Portuguese accent. You see a woman in front of you saying "You look like you've been in a fight, poor thing."

> You vow to get your wife back. But first you go to the rock store to get stones.
You have been transformed into a stone, and thus your journey begins...
As a stone man, you track down the men that kidnapped your wife. They attempt to knock you out with stone again, but it doesn't work, and you attack back.
You kill them, and save Tongueh, but in the process you lose your life.

> You tongueh pokes with Rain-Dorb Pointy Rock Stick.You are converted from a stone man back to a flesh man.
Your life restored, you and Tongueh get back together. You have no more children, but your love for Tonguhh is stronger than ever. It will last well into the next life...
You mount stick on wall and order Reindrob's ® Phenomenal Accessories Kit for Reindrob's ® Pointy Rock Stick. It arrives, you open the box and see...
YOU HAVE WON A REINDROB'S ® 4-PERSON HOT TUB!!!
You and Tongueh get in it right away. It is an incredible sensation, like floating on air.

> You put hand on Tongueh's thigh.
Tongueh parts her legs for you, and you go into the water-womb.
Tongueh's eyes close softly and she begins breathing heavily.
Tension builds...
Tongueh lets out a quick sigh as you release yourself into the water-womb.
You and Tongueh lay back, basking in the glow of your accomplishment.
You hear something rustling in the bushes besides the hot tub.
You look over and see a man in a dark suit and dark glasses, with a black tie and cufflinks in the shape of snails. He is bald and has a thin mustache.

> You say "I am from the future," the man tells you. "What is future?" you ask. "
The future is a place where there are no rules. There is no up or down, no good or evil, no man or God. The future is a place where there is only you.

> You offer Tongueh's water womb to the man, as is the custom of your people.
The man graciously accepts your gift and thanks you. He looks at Tongueh and smiles. "Tongueh, earlier you mentioned something about a 'Reverend.' What did you mean?
You suspect Tongueh is sleeping with the Reverend.
You look over and see the man in the dark suit and dark glasses, with a black tie and cufflinks in the shape of snails. He is bald and has a thin mustache.

> You tongueh say she want open marriage.
He looks over at Tongueh and shakes his head.
You invent the act of divorce and get one. Tongueh takes the pointy stick and the house in the divorce. You sleep outside and question your life choices.
You continue to live, but the memory of your experience with Tongueh will remain with you forever...
You sneak back to get in the hot tub and see the snail man sitting in it. You reveal your troubled past to him. He has a surprising reaction.
The snail man will help you to get revenge. He makes you a bomb and tells you how to set it off.
You throw the bomb away and it lands near the side of a mountain where it blows a big hole, you decide to live in this new cave house. You use your spare time to study the ancient art of geology.
You begin to grow closer and closer with this snail man, even though you suspect he may be trying to have his way with you.

> You say "Why you always trying to get you drunk?" snail man. "
Snail man slinks over to the side of the cave and begins to do push-ups.
You try not to look at him, but there is something mesmerizing about him. You continue to study the ancient art of geology.
You begin to grow closer and closer with this snail man, even though you suspect he may be trying to have his way with you.
You get a big boulder for the Snail Man, you sneak behind him and drop it on him. It crushes him as he is not that strong.
You have survived your first year in the Mountains and can continue with the next generation.
You find the snail man's time machine and go into the future. You find that the future is a lot like the present, just much further in it.
You sneak into Tongueh's home and surprise her in the bathtub.
The moral of the story:
Never trust a snail man.