Mr. Risky, a guy who likes collecting vampire coffins

Posted under Episode 215, Story On By Chief

You are Mr. Risky, a guy who likes collecting vampire coffins. One day, you go to Transylvania in the hopes of finding tons of coffins. You walk inside of a castle and find a giant coffin. You grin, while walking to the coffin and opening it up. Inside of the coffin is Dracula. Dracula wakes up and sees you. He says, "Hey, what are you doing in my castle?" You are scared, but you don't let him scare you. You grin and say, "I'm selling these coffins." You say while throwing a coffin key to him. He catches it and looks at it.

> You as Dracula stares down at the key he doesn't notice the stake Mr. Risky is driving through his chest.
Mr. Risky's face turns into pure evil and he says, "I've always wanted to do that."
"Sorry about that, my hand slipped," Mr.
Dracula turns to dust in front of you. 
Dracula turns to dust. Mr. Risky looks at the dust and says, "Heh, well I guess that settles that."
You open and Ebay account start selling the coffins. Business is booming, but you notice a wave of 1 star reviews of people complaining that the coffins attract vampires and their loved ones are dying. You try and respond, but you can never get the reviews to go away. Eventually, users stop buying your coffins and business goes under.

> You have a bunch of coffins left over, so you try selling them to Mark Cuban, Shark Tank judge who funded your coffin startup.
A few days later you go on Shark Tank, pitch your coffin idea, and give a spiel about all the benefits of buying a coffin.
You reject the first offer from Barbara, but Ellen DeGeneres, a celebrity who is only bitchy because she is a vampire and she works in the day, makes you an offer you can't refuse. She offers to buy your company outright, but in exchange the company becomes vampire themed.
You agree and you become filthy rich because of all of the new coffin vampire customers.
You get a call from Tony, a guy who wants a coffin that has imagery from Sister Act 2 on it. You make the coffin and as and added bonus you give it coffin ground effects.
You get a letter from a 5th grader who has been doing a report on coffin manufacturing. She asks if you could answer some questions about the industry.

> You say "You can't afford my time."
You ignore the girl, and a few weeks later you get a letter from the girl's teacher who is complaining that she has been talking non-stop about coffin manufacturing.
You hire the girl on the spot and it turns out she is a vampire. You start making way more money and things are going well until you get a call from Ellen. She is pissed.
You went over to John Stamos's house and had sex with him in his coffin, which is something he is incredibly passionate about not happening.

> You ask Stamos "What else are you passionate about?"
Later you are in bed with John Stamos.
John Stamos tells you that you should get rid of Ellen from the picture. You agree and meet with Ellen the next day at her underground lair.
"I have brought you here to kill you." You tell her.
"What! Why!" She asks.
"Because John is in love with me and I'm in love with him."
Ellen begs you to spare her life. You agree, if she agrees to...

1) Let John go
2) Let you be in a lesbian relationship
3) Let you keep the company
If she doesn't agree to your terms, you'll have to kill her.
She agrees, you turn around to leave and the door suddenly locks. Ellen reveals a wall of weapons, she says choose your weapon fight me in the arena!
You fight her in gladiator style combat, with chainsaws, flamethrowers, miniguns, machine guns, and sniper rifles. The key to winning is dodging.

> You dodge and dodge and dodge and dodge.
You win the fight by dodging, and you're the last one standing. You have killed the vampire that your boyfriend was in love with.
You wake up.
"That was a fun dream."

> You roll over and John Stamos is in bed with you.
You wake up.
"That was a fun dream."
"Ashley, what have I told you about inviting strangers to your room?"
You mom yells at you from downstairs. You panic for a second.
You look down and see you are Ashley Olsen, and though you look like a vampire, you are not one. You look over and see little Elizabeth Olsen sleeping in the bed next to yours.
You don't remember how you got here or how you even know who Elizabeth is, but you decide to sneak out of the house.

> You run into Uncle Joey while trying to sneak out of the house.
You sneak past your mom and out of the house, you see an alleyway next to the house and decide to sneak through it. You make it halfway through when a man dressed in all black steps out into your path.
"Where do you think you're going?" He says.
"I was leaving..." You say.
The man takes off his sunglasses reveals that he is your uncle, Joey.
"I thought I taught you better than that," he says.
You run.
You run through the alleyway and find yourself behind another house. You look around and realize you don't recognize where you are.

> You say "Help you, Kimmy Gibbler!" you scream. "
You scream for help, and all the windows in the house you are behind open up.
"Go away!" an angry voice shouts.
You run further into the alleyway and see a dead end.
You see a vampire, you call out them and see they are feasting on the corpse of a small child.
You scream in terror as they run towards you...

> You turn into a bat and fly away.
You squeak as the vampire feasts on you...
The morale of the story: Screaming "Kimmy Gibbler!" doesn't actually help you.