Tommy Loggins, a country singer from Texas

Posted under Episode 213, Story On By Chief

You are Tommy Loggins a country singer from Texas. Your newest single "Gittin' it done" is about to launch when you're abducted and thrown into a van. Your kidnapper's say...


They drive through the desert before shoving you out.

"Have fun heroes" they say as the van drives off.
You find yourself in a small stone room with a table and two chairs. There's nothing else in there but you.
You see a mirage of nakatomi tower and casino. You see a figure walking towards you. He is wearing a western suit, he has no face, and black holes for eyes. He sits down at the table with you.
"Who are you?
You sing your song "Gettin it done" and hope he recognizes you as a country music star.
His mouth doesn't move but you hear him speak in your head. "I am the harbinger of sorrow, I am the bringer of pain, I am the bearer of grief, I am the angel of death, My name is ol' black hair."
Not knowing what to say, you sing your song again. He stands up and leaves the room. You see a figure in a robe approach the room. She has a knife in her hand...
Ahhh! you wake up in your bed back home.
You write a new song about getting kidnapped, you call it Ol' Black Hair, and it goes like this:
"Ol' black hair, Ol' black hair,
Like a ghost from a grave.
Out of the dark night he came for me,
That's how I got this cold iron ball and chain."
You release it as an EP and it does terrible everywhere except the Vatican where it is #1.
You hope your next dream is better.
You take a non-lethal amount of Reindrob sleeping pills and go to bed. You see something in your dream that amazes you, its  a giant pyramid made out of fudge and binging on it feels like xanax. Sadly you wake with a startle from the best dream ever to find yourself in a pile of cold vomit.
You write another song "Giant Pyramid of Fudge", it goes like this:
"A giant pyramid of fudge
The locals call it an eyesore
They don't like it
But they can all go to hell
I'm eating this fudge."

> You read the newspaper the next day and your album has gone...
You read the newspaper the next day and your album has gone double platinum! Its called "Giant Pyramid of Fudge" and its a homage to your best dream ever.
You call your cousin, Kenny Loggins, to rub your success in his face. "Your son is a failure!" you say. But he hangs up on you since its you.
You then call your brother and tell him the great news only to hear the same thing.
You get a call from your mother who is furious at you. "Your brother is in tears!" she yells and hangs up on you.
You realize you've been a terrible son and decide to make amends. You release a song to make things right.
You take more sleeping pills and write a new song, it is called:
"I'm sorry mom, I will never forget to kiss you goodnight".
Its melody is so sweet and you sing it so sincere that even the hardest of hearts have been known to turn straight.
You are approached by the pope who shows you that he purchased 2 million copies of your previous song. You weep tears of joy.
The next day you release the song to massive critical acclaim. You are given a global audience and sing the song on the steps of the World Bank while wearing a bearskin.
The moral of the story: Sleeping pills can lead to a great career in music.