Spooky Pants Man, a man with spooky pants

Posted under Episode 212, Story On By Chief

You are Spooky Pants Man, a man with spooky pants. For years, you have spent your days doing all sorts of things only a man with spooky pants is capable of. The police fear you. The people love you. You were Time magazine's runner-up for Person of the Year in 2006. You are the head of two and a half religions. You have 14 honorary degrees and a maxed-out cable package. But you feel your time is nearing its end. You begin searching for a young apprentice who will learn your ways and eventually become the new Spooky Pants Man (or Woman). After much searching, you find a young boy in the Middle East. He has killed three of his friends by mixing together random chemicals from his high school laboratory (it was an accident).
You tell the young boy that with the right combination of chemicals and the right pair of pants he can bring his deceased friends back to life. The boy believes you. He becomes your apprentice. He does not know that you are lying.
Jason, a guy who is spooky because he's not wearing pants, asks if he can succeed you instead of the boy. You tell him no.  After a year or so, you now have two apprentices. After another year, you die of old age. Your final requests are that your young apprentice and Jason wear pants at all times.
Spooky!
Your apprentices pull out the Spook-O-Meter and detect that you are still with them in their pants. They learn everything there is to know about pants, and you become one with them.

> You tell them via the netherworld that each must compete against the other to become the next Spooky Pants Man.
You decide that the one who spreads pants to the most people will succeed you. The two apprentices are unsure about this plan, but the dead have told you this is how it should be.
You tell the apprentices to fight for your approval, winner becomes star apprentice, loser becomes vessel for your soul. They struggle for quite some time, each trying to best the other, but in the end it is clear who won by a nose.
You return from the beyond to check on their progress.

> You tell at the apprentices for lagging.
You return to the beyond and decide that they are not attempting to do anything with their lives. You return and discover...
You try to yell at them for being so lazy, but they cannot hear you.
The winner of the fight is still your chosen one.

> You say "Between Jason and the boy, I choose..."
...and the winner is the boy!
The world becomes clothed in pants. Mankind thanks you for all the pants you've given them.
You watch over mankind as a pantless being.
The moral of the story: pants are life.