German-D, a voice used for text to speech programs

Posted under Episode 209, Story On By Chief

You are German-D, a voice used for text to speech programs. You are having a totally non-sexual evening when you hear a bang at the door. Just as you get up to answer, the power goes out! You know something very spooky is about to happen...	You walk down the hallway in the pitch black darkness towards the door.

> You open the door and see...
Someone is standing outside in the dark. You can't quite make out their face, but you can see they're wearing some kind of outfit. Maybe it's a character from the party?
Jason, who battering rams down your door, says, "Hi!" just then the Kool Aid Man bursts through the wall and says, "Oh yeah." The man outside says, "Long time no see, Jacob."
"Wait. Are you... God?"
"Nah. Yag noh wurth it. See yah"
You fall to your knees and praise the Kool Aid. then look up to see the man standing before you. He stands around 8 feet tall and wears white robes. he carries no items or weapons, but you feel no threat from him.
You keep praying when suddenly JIM CHRIST descends from the second floor.
He looks down at you and says, "Stop that. It's annoying." You keep praying. "I said stop it!"

> You start singing "With Arms Wide Open," by Creed.
He grabs you by the throat, picks you up, and throws you into the wall. He snarls "Have you learned nothing from me? These are JEWS, Jacob! They drink the blood of babies."

> You cancel Jim Christ.
"Wait... is this the real you? They don't call you Jesus because you're so nice, do they?
You then see Hansel and Gretel run in from the street and carry Jim Christ off to sensitivity training.

You wake up for the fourth time and find yourself in a dark alley. You look at your watch and see that it stopped at 4:20, just like the time before.
You blaze it.
You walk outside into a park on a hill. In front of you is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen playing a gold harp and singing in a meadow of flowers.

> You find a joint on the ground and offer to smoke it with the woman.
She turns and looks at you with disgust. "Do I look like I smoke weed?"
You shrug and then realize you're in a dream, so anything is possible. You take the joint and spark it up.
You see the ghost of Juice WRLD, singing "Lucid Dreams".
You go up to him and ask, "What's the deal, Juice? I thought you were dead."
He turns and looks at you with disgust. "Do I look like I'm dead to you?

> You wonder why everyone is disgusted with you.
The joint turns to ash in your hands. You wake up in a cold sweat, with no time to spare. You leave for work and arrive on time.
"You look terrible," your coworker says to you.

> You say "spare spare spare spare me the questions"
"Shh..." you say, putting your finger to your lips. "It's a secret."
You look in the mirror and are stunned by what you see.
Beetles crawl out of your mouth and die. You feel dirty and smell terrible.
You realize you are in a lucid nightmare. This is all a dream, and you can do anything you want. "I must get back to reality," you think. Then, you realize that in a lucid dream, you actually can do anything!
You think of a gigantic oyster and it appears before you. "I can create anything I want," you think, and suddenly you have lobster claws for hands. "But why stop there?"
You imagine that your bedroom becomes a luxurious mansion.

> You dream you have sex with your mansion.
Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your chest. It's real. The mansion disappears and you wake up on your sofa. You're still at home, and it's four in the morning.
You try have sex with your regular house. It doesn't work out.
The moral of the story: Lucid dreams are fun but the real world is still better.