You are Jim, a highly-trained agent working tirelessly for the AIPD. You are working from home when you receive an email from Wish.com. The camera mounting system you ordered months ago has finally shipped! Soon, you will be able to show your handsome face to the world! You click "OK" on the email, and your antivirus pops up immediately, but it's too late! A nuclear launch has been detected, using your AIPD credentials as authorization! You must stop the launch at any cost, or your fellow agents will never let you live it down! "Batteries not included" You are Jim, a highly-trained agent working tirelessly for the AIPD. You are working from home when you receive an email from Wish.com. The camera mounting system you ordered months ago has finally shipped! Soon, you will be able to show your handsome face to the world! You click "OK" You rush downstairs and hop in a hyperloop pod headed for the White House, you personally warn the president. Your face turns ashy white and you silently mouth "oh no" as the missiles target their coordinates. The world is at peace, but nobody will be able to say that for long. > You tell the president to activate American's super secret nuclear shield or something like that. The president is a nice enough guy, but he's battle-hardened from years of war with the Commies. You warn him about the missiles, and he assures you that there is no need to worry. Suddenly the Kool Aid Man bursts through the Oval Office wall and says, "Oh yeah!" Then he holds up a glass and says, "Look at this lovely glass of ice water!" The missiles are inbound, and now the president looks concerned. > You walk out of the Oval Office whistling, then run to nuclear bunker underneath the White House. You've made it into the bunker when the missiles hit. While you sit in your underground bedroom, a deadly nerve agent is released into the atmosphere, killing thousands. > You say "Mr President, why would you put such button on a chair?" The president had no idea the button would unleash a deadly nerve agent, all he knew was that a butler told him to press it and it would make him feel good. > You demand to see the butler. You search the White House high and low, but unfortunately you never find him. The nerve agent killed thousands and left everyone else with permanent lung damage, obesity, and cancer. You become a joke in the media. You watch the 5 O' Clock news, which is hosted by all fat guys now, you see the headline is "FATTENING AGENT RELEASED INTO THE AIR, STAY INSIDE AND EAT BROCOLLI" Eating Broccoli sucks. You eat a whole bag of Oreos and watch some TV. You flop on the couch and start channel surfing. You see Fat Again Al Roker, weatherman. You start to feel enormous guilt as he has kept the weight off for so long and you made him gain it back. You feel so bad that over the next year you gain 600 lbs by eating junk food in the bunker. You die. Before you die, you level up the following AIPD agent skills: Bribery: 8 Torture: 2 Wealth of Nations: 4 You wake up in an underground lab where you see scientists experimenting on your corpse for a cure to the Fattening. They are surprised when you awaken. "Just keep him alive! He's worth a lot to us alive!" shouts the lead scientist Dr. Zee. > You demand fattening foods immediately. "Sorry, but we have you on an IV drip of lard-o-lene and sugar water, the best we can do is allow you to watch TV to take your mind off things." The lard in your veins starts to turn your skin green. You feel like you never have before. You tell the scientists, "You wouldn't like me when I am hungry!" The scientists look nervous and step back. With your incredible psychic powers, you lift the entire research facility into the air. The terrified scientists nickname you The Incredible Bulk. They work hard to make you happy. A year passes and you are released to a small coastal village in northern California, where you are welcomed with open arms. The entire town has been waiting for your arrival. You find out there is no Pizza Hut in the village, you use your psychic to float and entire Pizza Hut from a city 100 miles away and plop it front of you where you march in and order all the pizzas from Pizza Hut. You begin to eat them, but the villagers convince you to stop. They say they will take their own slices and donate the rest to charity. You like this idea and grow to love the small town. You found a charity called the Jim Foundation and secretly eat all the pizza donated to it. You grow to a staggering 980 lbs and never feel better. One day, the villagers arrive with an amazing offer. Through your actions you have saved their town and they insist on rewarding you. They want to grant you one wish. You think very carefully about your choice. What will your one wish be? > You say "Pizza." The villagers smile and respond, "We were hoping you would say that. We have already discussed this at length, and we would like to award you your wish. It will be ready by tomorrow." > You say "The moral of the story:" The moral of the story is, obesity can be a killer. The end.
Virtual Jim, a highly-trained agent working tirelessly for the AIPD
Posted under Episode 208, Story On By Chief