Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf

Posted under Episode 207, Story On By Chief

You are Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf. Tired and hungry after a long day of shooting the 37th Michael Bay Transformers sequel, you head to your cabin in the woods to prepare the traps for your next victim/meal. Just as you finish setting the last of the traps, you hear a car pull up. You quickly hide behind the sofa and wait to see who enters. The door opens, and in steps none other than	fellow director David Fincher! You don't know whether to kill him or hug him, but before you can make your move, he spots you and screams.
You run up and hug him. You see right behind him is Jason, your new co-star who is a streamer turned actor. You look back. You don't know what's going on anymore. You'd think you were living in the Upside-Down from Stranger Things.
"Shia, let go of me you crazy bastard!"
You release David Fincher and act suspicious because you didn't expect any visitors in the off season at Fincher's cabin.
"David! What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was coming here to have a writing retreat before the next Transformers!

> You say "I'll let you go if you help me escape Michael Bay."
You release him, and Fincher backs away slowly.
He takes off his Fincher mask, revealing himself to be Micheal Bay.  "Why the hell are you wearing a Fincher mask, Micheal?"
"Shia, who is it?" another voice calls. David Fincher walks in from the other room.
Michael Bay tells you that you are fired and being replaced by Markie Mark. Just as you start to tear up, Michael Bay rips off another mask to reveal he is actually M. Night Shyamalan, the director of this twist-filled movie  "After Earth".
"You will be playing a smaller role as I have replaced your father, Cypher. Who is now already dead."

> You read the script and rehearse some of your lines for the directors with full method acting.
You jump up and down and scream out your excitement. "I'm sorry, but I have to decline this role in After Earth! Yes! This will show M Night that I am no one to be trifled with!"
M Night pulls off his mask to reveal he is actually David Lynch. "You have shown fear. This is good. Now, will you accept your role in Dune?"
You think for a moment, and then you remember- this is David Lynch.
You are fed up with all the twists and turns and start to devour Jason and whoever the fuck is wearing 1000 masks. You have had enough of this acting bullshit, and you want out.
You pickup the script for Dune, but it is covered in butter from Jason's popcorn. You drop it in the butter and suck it off your fingers. Reading is too much work. Besides, you think as you burp, I am an auteur.
You decide to stage a coup and direct the movie yourself. You realize you are in a cabin in the woods, but you can't remember much more. You stumble outside and find a clearing, where you try to direct your movie.

> You direct Dune on a cell phone in a field.
You are in a large field, with hundreds of lights hanging above you. They cast a long shadow, and you can't tell what time it is. There are people around you, running around and screaming.

> You write in your journal about how great today was on set.
Wiping the blood from your face, you open up your journal and begin to write. You describe the scene in vivid detail, as you always do.
You reveal your troubled past to the cast and crew of Dune by reading you previous journal entry:
You are a man of many faces, and many names. Just like in the movie, right now you are Paul Atreides.
You decide to replace all the main cast with yourself and finish shooting the movie in two weeks. The movie premieres and the reviews are in:
"This movie is genius, the best movie I have ever seen. The main character is the best actor of all time. God himself would cry to see such a display of power and emotion.

> You find out who wrote the review.
The author of the review is a well respected movie critic, he loved your movie. His name is Roger Ebert. He has been watching you for a few weeks now, you have no idea.
You hug Roger Ebert and tell him his review has moved to tears. Happy happy tears. He explains that he liked how you used different cameras to change angles and show different perspectives in the movie, like a video game.
Roger Ebert pulls his mask to reveal he is actually...
Aha ha, you fools! It was me the whole time! I am the author of this book, and it is non-fiction.
The moral of the story: Roger Ebert is the worst reviewer of all time.