Devlan Wills, a local fisherman from Maine

Posted under Episode 206, Story On By Chief

You are Devlan Wills, a local fisherman from Maine. You and a close friend Ed are on a fishing holiday for the weekend. One day on a sleepy morning, you feel an unusual pull on your fishing rod and pull in a... Grouper? You pull in a strange fish-like creature. Its mouth is permanently in a horrified O shape, and it has tiny white eyes with no pupils.
The fish begins to speak to you and Ed. It says...
"You have saved me, oh great heroes of the surface!"
"You have saved me, oh great heroes of the surface!"
"In exchange, I shall grant each of you a wish."
You pull Ed aside and ask what he will wish for, Ed tells you that he wishes for:
To get the promotion he was denied.
To marry his girlfriend.
To become a great poet with an published book.
You say to the magic fish, "I wish for AIPD to get a thousand subscribers from Maine. "
The fish gives you a thumb's up, and vanishes into the sea.
You wake up, and find a letter in your mailbox. It's from AIPD HQ.
You the letter: You now have one thousand new subscribers from Maine.
You've also had a 10,000 dollar donation from a Mr. and Mrs. David Jones of New York City.
You are so moved by this, that you fly to New York City to personally thank Mr. and Mrs. David Jones.
You find that they are a middle-aged couple who simply wished to help.
"Thank you for all the good you do..." says Mrs. Jones through tears.

> You say "Why are you crying?"
"Because you're doing such good things! Why, without you, we might not have even met!"
"That's right!" says Mr. Jones.

> You say "Tell us the story of how you met."
"Well," says Mr. Jones, "I first saw my beloved at a bus stop. I knew, just looking at her, that I had to meet her. I introduced myself and we hit it off immediately.
and you were the bus driver!" says Mrs. Jones.
"Wow," you say. "That's an incredible story."
"Thank you!" says Mr. Jones. "My wish was to meet my true love, and now here she is!!"
Ed gives you a late night call, he sounds terrified. You ask Ed what happened and he tells you that all his wishes came true, but at the same time...
"I didn't get the promotion... because I died in that car crash."

> You pull the grouper out of your freezer and defrost him.

> You defrost the fish.
You take the fish out of the freezer.
You slowly begin to notice that this isn't a frozen fish at all. It begins to move, and talk.
"Please let me go..." it says.
You hold him by his flipper over and open flame and demand he tell you if the is a monkey paw situation and if something bad is going to happen to you.
"Who are you and what have you done to the real fisherman?" you demand.
"I am the real fisherman!" he shouts back.

> You sprinkle holy water on the fish.
The fish begins to writhe around in your hands, and screech in pain. "I am a demon! I will torment you for the rest of your life!"
You smash the magic fish with a hammer right in his demon eyeballs.
"I'm going to crush you into little tiny pieces..." you say, "...into a fish stick!"
The fish screams in agony.
You eat the fish sticks and rush to your computer. You see a news headline about AIPD, it says:

> You learn that David Jones was never married. He hired a woman to play his wife.
You rush to David's house with a baseball bat.
"You ruined my life, now I'm going to ruin yours!"
You begin to beat David's face into a bloody mess.
You hear the police cars start to hone in on your position and use your jetpack to fly away.
You land in Mexico and call off the thousand subscribers you still have left.
You live the rest of your days in a hut by the beach, sipping coconuts.

> You one day you go fishing. You catch a strange-looking fish. Before it can speak, you...
throw it back into the sea.
You live a good life.
The moral of the story: Don't believe in monkey paws.