Humphrey Baker, a poor peasant in the kingdom of Arven

Posted under Episode 197, Story On By Chief

You are Humphrey Baker, a poor peasant in the kingdom of Arven. To escape being drafted into the royal army you hide out in a nearby cave. Little do you know that the cave is full of...THE FURRIN CROSS!!!!!

You are instantly killed and possessed by a member of the demonic Furrin Cross. Only your body lives on. But oh what a body!
You look in the mirror and see you are Sweeney Bob, the friendly demon barber from wall street, trying to sell his cheap Chinese razors. Why you? Why?

Your mind is little more than a jumble of random thoughts and ideas. You take a look at the signature on the contract... it was the most famous artist in all the land.
Bob Ross tells you to follow him if you want to live.
You follow Bob who is riding a wolf through the woods. This can't be good.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" You yell at him.
Bob takes you to Jim, a guy who wants to see werewolves, and you see a titanium white wolf.
"I want to see werewolves." He says.
"Yeah? Well you see one." You tell him.
The man looks unimpressed.
"It's not very big or hairy."

> You say "That's what she said."
The man backs away slowly.
"" he says, clearly scared.
Bob nods and lets out a screeching howl as the man faints.

> You beg the man to turn you into a werewolf.
"Please, please, I've always wanted to be a werewolf! I'll do anything!" you beg.
"Anything?" The man asks.
"Fine," the man says. I will do it if you:  * Join my army * Assassinate the king * Kill this here boy for me * Drink this vial * Find the lost city of Atlantis * Break the nine hearts of the left-handed mermaids for me * Kill the creator * Topple the government
You beg the man for hours saying anything you can think of to convince him. Eventually you start cursing at him and within seconds he has pushed you out of his office.
You choose to drink the vial.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Bob yells. "Get going! Get going!"
You follow Bob to his car and drive off into the night.
You drive off into the night and suddenly see the full moon where you begin to transform into a werewolf. You go through all the stages of transformation and soon you are a werewolf.
"Now get in the car!" Bob yells.
You do so and get inside the car.

> You mark your territory inside the car.
You go around the car and piss on the tires. Soon you have marked the inside of the car as your territory and you feel better.
You get inside the Volkswagen van and ask Bob, "Where are we headed?"
Bob stares at you in silence for a second before saying, "Halloween Town."
You nod your head and say, "Ah yes, the Halloween Town.

> You arrive at Halloween town and see:.
You arrive at a tall brick building with smoke coming out of the chimney. What you didn't expect to see was the giant candycorn on the roof.
"The Hotel for The Lost!"
You go inside the Hotel for the Lost and see many terrifying things: A girl with antlers on her head, a man in a penguin suit, a girl with a jackolantern where her face should be and many other strange creatures.
You realize the man in the penguin suit is a former farmer that you knew named Morgan. You and him go way back.
You go up to the counter to check in and you see a monster wearing a suit behind the counter.
"Ah yes, hello," the monster says.
You read the monster's name tag: Ernest.
"How may I help you?" Ernest asks in a pleasant yet terrifying voice.

> You say "Give me your scariest room. "
"I'm sorry, we're fully booked."
"What?" You ask. "Are you serious?"
"Yes sir, sorry sir," Ernest says.
"But, it's the night before Halloween!"

> You slip him twenty bucks then wink and say "Are you booked now?"
Ernest looks at you for a long time and then smiles. "Ah, now I see, yes, yes we have some rooms available now."
You smile and say, "Great."
You enter the scariest room in the hotel, you see ten terrifying things: A coffin, a mirror, a witch, a black cat, a ghost, a haunted tower, a dragon, a vampire and a werewolf.
You must choose which room to stay in.

1. The Coffin
2. The Witching Hour
3. The Mirror
4. The Cat
5. The Ghoul
6. The Tower
7. The Dragon's Breath
8. Blood Bath
The moral of story: Don't go to haunted hotels on halloween. You're in a haunted hotel right now.