Selene, a beautiful vampire woman who hunts other vampires

Posted under Episode 196, Story On By Chief

You are Selene, a beautiful vampire woman who hunts other vampires. On October 31st, you start roaming around the streets of America in the hopes of finding vampires. You see a group of men who are dressed as vampires, named Jason, Tony, Jim and Cory, and you assume that they are real vampires, so you start attacking them. You use your guns to shoot their baskets of candy. The men look scared and confused.  "Please, spare us!" they beg. "We had no choice."
You take out your sword and attack the vampires. You stab Jim in the stomach.
You level up your vampire skills, you learn:
You jump on top of Jim and sink your teeth into his neck, sucking his blood. His blood tastes bad, like cough medicine. You push him off you and he falls to the ground. Dead.
Jim raises from the dead. He is now a vampire. The remaining three raise from the dead. You quickly drink some blood from a bottle to recover your blood energy.
You attack the newly-risen vampires. You swing your sword at Cory's neck...
As you bite into his neck, Cory screams. He is now dead again, and you have stopped your bleeding.
You have won the fight!

> You as you turn to leave, Tony throws garlic at you.
The garlic bounces off your chest. Is this the best this fool can do?
You pick up a piece of paper and throw it in front of him.
The paper has a cross drawn on it and scares Tony. He flees the church.
You are alone, ready to take on the world!

> You long for companionship.
You feel like your life is empty. You don't have any friends, all you have are your servants and they don't even speak your language.
You have an idea.
You make a summoning circle in blood and call forth Count Von Count, Vampire Muppet who likes to count.
Count Von Count arrives. "One, two, three..." he begins.
"Shut up!" you tell him, as he does so.

> You tell the Count to take off his clothes and count the pieces of clothing.
Count Von Count takes off his clothes, and starts counting them. "One pair of pants, one shirt, one hat..." he says.
"Stop!" you tell him.

> You decide to seduce Count Von Count.
You get closer to Count Von Count, until you are practically touching. You stare into his eyes, then lean in and kiss him on the lips.

> You say "Make vampire love to me."
"Make vampire love to me." you tell the Count.
He looks confused. "You wish to hunt goats?" he asks.
You sigh and put your clothes back on.
"I'm leaving." you tell him.
You trudge out of the dark cave and into the sunlight. You are ready to take on the world!

> You make a bucket list of the things you want to do. The list reads:.
1. Kill the Count
2. ?????
3. Profit
Later that night, you sneak back into the castle and go to the Count's chambers.

> You attempt to fuck the Count to death.
You jump on top of the Count and fuck him as hard as you can.
The Count is shocked. "I love you!" he screams, as he explodes into a cloud of dust.
You have won!

> You go hunting goats to celebrate.
You climb the mountain to hunt some goats.
Sadly, you are attacked by a pack of wolves before you can catch them. They tear you apart, killing you instantly.

> You rise from the dead and castrate the wolves with your bare hands.
You rise from the dead and castrate the wolves with your bare hands. The goats escape, but you don't care. You are a fucking vampire and you have just scalped the wolves with your bare hands.
The wolves become your pets. You name them Wolfwinkle, Ruffskin, Antler, Fang, Snout, Patch and Browneye.
The moral of story: Vampires rock and anyone who says they don't is a fucking liar.