You are Matthew Graham, a security guard for an old warehouse. One shift you swear you can hear something skittering about in the dark. Looking at the CCTV camera footage you are shocked to see... A family of raccoons fighting over a discarded taco wrapper. The ghost of a dead security guard, still patrolling the halls. A man in a flashy suit, dragging a body with him. You choose to deal with the raccoons first and throw away all the taco wrappers. After that you are unsure what to do. > You make friends with the raccoons. You make friends with the raccoons, feeding them scraps and spending time with them. > You let the raccoons play with your flashlight and you name them:. Brighteyes, Dusky, Flinch, and Goldentusk. At night you sometimes see ghostly figures wandering the warehouse. One of them seems to always be a security guard. You level up your night guard skills, you learn: -Your reputation with the raccoons increases. -You find a new pet! You now have 1 pet! -Your night guard skills increase. You are a true master at it. > You name the new raccoon Conor Oberst. He knows how to play the guitar. At night you sometimes see ghostly figures wandering the warehouse. One of them seems to always be a security guard. > You draw a pentagram, and trick the security ghost into entering the pentagram. You draw a pentagram on the floor and perform an old ritual, which causes the ghost to be bound to your service. > You force the ghost to play with your pet raccoons. You use your new powers to force the ghost to play with your pet raccoons. You level up your Monster Tamer skills, you learn: -Your reputation with the raccoons increases. You decide to deal with the man in the flashy suit who appears to be still dragging bodies around the warehouse. You send in Goldentusk. A few hours later, Goldentusk returns and mauls you. You level up your Animal Cruelty skills, you learn: -Your reputation with the raccoons increases. > You punish Goldentusk by removing his tooth. He reports you to PETA. The next day, animal activists storm the warehouse in the middle of the night, killing the other two raccoons. You defend yourself, but are ultimately overwhelmed and killed by them. The remaining raccoons seek revenge for your death, but are too slow due to their obesity and heart disease, and you were the only one who could have opened the door for them. They die of starvation and yours becomes the biggest animal activist group in the state. You and the other ghost security guard posses the dead raccoons and storm PETA headquarters. After killing all the members, you and the other guard find yourselves stuck in the bodies of giant naked rats with no way out. You both sit there, squeaking at each other for the rest of your days. > You chew through the wires of your cage to escape. You return to the warehouse. You break out of your cage, killing yourself in the process. Your soul is trapped in the cage until some poor sap buys it at a rummage sale years from now. The man in the flashy suit comes across your ghost cage and buys it. He puts his pet rock in it and continues to drag bodies around the warehouse. He remains blissfully unaware that the ghost of a dead raccoon is trapped inside his new possession, watching him. You learn the man in the flashy suit is PETA Griffin, you still have no idea why he drags bodies around. Maybe he's a necrophiliac, or maybe its for art. The moral of the story: Don't be a raccoon. If you are a raccoon, get treatment, because it's not normal to be one.
Matthew Graham, a security guard for an old warehouse
Posted under Episode 195, Story On By Chief